Maa_ Travel well! I'm here to take care of everything!

My life took a U turn last Saturday when I lost my mother. She hadn't been keeping well for sometime now. But this wasn't something that we expected when we took her to AIIMS. 1 Week from then, I continue to get visuals of how my mom's heartbeat dropped from 61 to 45 to 32 to 18 and then flat. I screamed for the doctor and then they gave her CPR. The heartbeat resumed but it again started falling. That was when the doctor told me that it was the last night and that I should have everyone from the family around (they were already on their way from Gurgaon).While she remained unconscious on a ventilator, I still knew that she was breathing. I sat there quietly holding maa's hand and chanting the Mahamrityunjay mantra. Post CPR, the heartbeat resumed again but at 10:06 pm, it again became flat. An ECG was done and when I asked for the report, the technician asked me to get in touch with the doctor. At 10:16 , doctor came and checked about my family members' arrival so that maa can be put off from the ventilator. My only question was to know for how long will maa be there once we put off the ventilator. The doctor politely told me that she was already gone. The ECG report was flat at 10:07 pm so my maa had gone away when I felt that slight movement of the hand that I so firmly held. My maa was my life, my anchor, my confidante and my constant cheerleader. I found a small note that she had written praying for my success in UPSC exams. I have it laminated to remind me how I didn't leave upto her expectations. This was the second life that maa lived after her renal transplant back in November 2014. My younger brother donated his kidney and maa learnt to live again. We had some of the most cherished moments in the last 10 years, where we bought our first car, first home and maa saw one of her dreams realised- what she used to describe as her most decorated achievement- my marriage. I am the eldest in the family so when the transplant happened 10 years ago, the doctor had told me that the max life that a transplanted kidney has, in people with pre-existing co- morbidities was 10 years. I never told this to anybody. 2 years ago, when a biopsy was done and the doctor told me that the max time that kidney will last is 2 years, I had thought that we would go for another transplant since I am now fit to donate my kidney. But I didn't know that the side effects of the immunosuppressive medicines would be so extreme that maa's body wouldn't be in a position to bear another surgical procedure. She had lost 24 kgs in the last 1.5 years and we consulted multiple doctors who opined that it's mostly due to loss of appetite. Maa hardly ate 1 roti in each of her meals. The day she ate more than 1 roti was a day we celebrated & joked & laughed. My cute maa used to ask me if she has gained weight after eating 2 chapatis for 2 days continuously and I used to affirm the same. She innocently used to ask me to help her with the spelling of a few words that she couldn't type and I used to jokingly add lmnopq at the end of the word. Her belief in me was so strong that she actually asked me what I said after lmn! Then I used to break it to her that I was joking and then she used to hit me with whatever was around, picking things which she knew won't hurt me. She was the first person to wish me a happy journey when I was travelling and the first person to text if I have boarded/landed. She was a part of everything that I did. She had the first right on my existence and my success. Amidst all this, her Tom n Jerry fights with Papa were eternal. Papa used to relish such alterations and mummy loved bitching about it with my wife. My younger brother was never so expressive so he loved maa silently. Taking care of small things that mattered for maa's health. I used to plan our family outings and was the one with whom maa felt the safest( One credit that I would not want to share with anyone). Maa probably had an intuition that she was destined for sadgati sooner than later. She once told me when I was kissing her forehead , to cut down on the attachment that I have for her because the end was near. I used to scream and annoyingly tell her to spare a thought for me when she says such things. But Maa had made up her mind. She chose to go away the same way she lived her life. Without really bothering any of us and taking it all in her stride. A part of me has gone away and I haven't cried my heart out because it will impact my father, brother & wife because they expect me to be strong. I'm trying my best but I'm a human too. Hence I chose to post this anonymously here. Blessed are those who get to see their parents every morning. Cherish & live that moment everyday.