Why is self-understanding so hard?

You meet new people - on some you cringe, some are boring, some intrigue you, some you respect, and some are intimidating It is the intimidating lot that makes me jhzdgfhfghsjj (how do I explain this) I feel small infront of them, even though I am not in the same room or face to face There's an unknown fear, it feels you have to prove yourself to them (for no reason) Somehow our brains put them on a higher pedestal for various reasons - it is different reasons for different people Why why do I have to feel like this? How do I get rid of it?

No context. Self explainatory.

Let it all out. Use this thread as an outlet.

My overall education started a bit late than normal people due to my fathers transfers and school admission rules. Consequently when I applied for JEE Advanced back in 2017 i was 19.5 years old. I got it but wasnt satisfied so dropped a year and got a better rank. I was 20.5 years old when I finally joined IIT. Somewhere subconciously throughout my college life i felt that I did achieve what I wanted to but really late. I know theres nothing I could do about it but this was something still killing me inside. Most of my batchmates where 18 year olds and even the ones who dropped where at most 19. I always wanted to pursue my masters and phd but somewhere at the back of my mind I feel I would have to go theough the same feelings again. It just kills me so much inside. Currently I have completed 2 years as a software engineer and I am 26 years old. On one part my mind tells me that I am made for much more than just an IT job and should go to academia. On the other hand it feels like I am too old for it. I dont know what to do. I am not able to rationalize my thoughts. I am not able to understand how can I bring myself to overcome my fears and achieve what i really want in life.

The obsession I regret the most in my life is the all or nothing behavior. Where, - I'll apply for a job only after knowing everything there is to know for a role. This is why I used to see people with half my knowledge applying and getting jobs and moving ahead in life. I used think it's so unfair that they achieve in all aspects of their life and I in none... - I'll date someone only when I know I am the perfect version that I envision for myself - I'll only take photos when I am in my perfect shape. If I don't have 8 abs, I don't deserve photos! - I'll stop questioning whether I am good enough only when I achieve everything else I am a loser I just was very cruel to myself for my own imperfections! This instilled a fear in me that shattered my spirit, self confidence and self worth. I ended up being afraid to pick anything up. If I couldn't stay course in something and for some reason I wasn't able to do something for a day or 2, my perfectionism mindset said, that's it, I am a failure and I thought, nothing can be done now and gave up This resulted in I procrastinating in things. Why to work hard, I am never gonna make it... I have 100 things to do in life else I am failure but I don't have time to do all that in this lifetime. Perfectionism results in not doing anything! After meeting people, self introspection and podcasts from people, I realised its okay to mess up, its okay to fall down. I should dust myself off and continue! It is so hard now to change yourself after years of disappointment. You need so much positivity and letting go of perfectionism. You need self love and kindness... TLDR - Don't be like an OCD person obsessing over things to go exactly the way they want! Don't reject yourself due to failures/setbacks. Dust yourself off and move ahead! It's okay to be imperfect as long as you promise to be consistent!

Sometimes I often procrastinate on important tasks but it's not because I don't like it or have no interest in it, mostly maybe due to self doubt about my ability. What is your reason for procrastination, if you procrastinate?

Is that reason only in your mind or there are legit issues stopping you ?

I am addressing folks who have progressed in their careers enough to earn at least 30 LPA. If you are earning this much in India, you are already in the creamy layer of lifestyle. You can afford a decent house, a decent car and probably save up some assets for children's education (A lot of people bring up the expensive school fees). If you get a salary hike from 30LPA to 40LPA, there is a high chance that your lifestyle will not change that much. Your savings will go up, but still it will take years to retire early in either case. It's quite apparent that if you want to improve your lifestyle at this stage (highest-end middle class), you will require an income source capable of providing leverage and exponential growth. Barring a few folks I know, everyone else is busy grinding leetcode, mugging up system design for their next job switch or even worse, kissing ass for the next promotion. Why don't enough people start learning about business on the side and slowly start investing their free time in learning everything they can about it ? I am sure it will be a much better time investment if you play your cards correctly for a long enough time (I am pretty sure this is still a quicker path to riches as compared to 30 years of SIP investments). Note: I completely understand that many people have monthly payment obligations like EMIs. And that's why my question is about 'aspirations'. I am not asking 'Why are people not leaving their jobs to pursue entrepreneurship?'. I am rather asking 'Why are people not even thinking about anything else apart from the next (disappointing) hike?'

I really feel like doing a lot, but at the same time, I don’t feel like doing anything. Does this happen to you all as well?

Want to discuss if sabbatical being a taboo is valid and peoples opinions of it. I will start with mine Background - 8 years in tech 3 company switches Sabbatical of 1 month, 3 month and 6 month between each break. Personal experience - quite enriching. Though there was panic and anxiety of not having a job during the period, it truly helped me take a step back, reassess my career trajectory, and mostly just Destress and re prioritise Every now and then i loose my true love for tech and product and the sabbaticals helped me to rediscover that by just reading about technology that was not outcome driven ( like for switching a job) Quite rewarding each time in terms of salary jumps also. I think i was able to make a better case for myself at a particular position just because i had more time to process stuff from last job. It also helped me make better decisions for next thing which has in general helped me shape my career better ( i think atleast) Open to anyone sharing their stories/perspectives related to sabbaticals