Heartbroken, but on the path to healing.
Reflecting on my previous year, I experienced a significant transformation. I was thriving, traveling, enjoying my own company, and spending time with a close-knit group of friends. Being an introvert, I found comfort in my familiar routine. However, a year can bring unexpected changes.
I was excited about my promotion and the opportunity to work onsite, but I soon realized that relocating to a new country without prior experience in a corporate environment was daunting. I had always worked from home and now faced the challenge of adapting to a new culture, managing daily life, and learning new skills, including cooking. Upon arrival, I felt overwhelmed, anxious, and out of my depth. The pressure to excel in an unfamiliar technology added to my stress. During this challenging time, I met someone who became my emotional anchor. Their support helped me navigate my difficulties, and our bond deepened as I relied on them more. However, I became overly dependent on this person for my emotional well-being, which affected my work performance and relationships with my team.
As work became increasingly toxic and I felt targeted, my attachment to this individual grew. I found solace in their presence despite the chaos around me, yet I was counting down the days to return home, torn between missing them and needing to leave the stressful environment.
After returning home, everything changed drastically. The urge to ignore me and distance himself was so evident that I couldn't take it. I felt anxious and terrified of losing him. Eventually, I asked for closure, but the answer I received shattered my heart. He told me that it was just a casual relationship for him, that his only intention was to be physical, have fun, and enjoy. Since things didn’t go as planned, he said I shouldn’t blame him, that he wasn’t guilty of anything, and that I should stop bothering him and be a stranger.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. My heart broke, and I was at a loss. I kept questioning what went wrong, desperately searching for answers, not wanting to let go. My self-respect hit rock bottom when I reached out again, and he rudely responded before blocking me everywhere. I was left feeling utterly confused, wondering how I didn’t see the signs earlier, how I trusted so easily while I was struggling to survive in a new environment. Everything went wrong at once. I was diagnosed with depression. Panic attacks became a regular part of my life. I felt as if I had hit the lowest point. I lost friends, my motivation to work, and every day, he was the first and last thought on my mind. It’s devastating how someone can take advantage of a vulnerable person and then dismiss it as a "casual" relationship, completely disregarding the impact it has on someone’s mental health.
Despite everything, I still don’t hate him, and that makes me hate myself even more. I know I should move on, and I wish it were as easy as taking a pill to forget everything. I regret not leaving things at the start, but I’ve learned that some people come into your life to teach you painful lessons.
I know I’ll be better and will move forward with time, but this experience has left me afraid to trust again. I’ve lost faith in love and friendships, and that’s the hardest part to rebuild.
