Mother getting unfair post Son's marriage
Does it happen to everyone? How to solve this? I am professionally successful and come from the best colleges (IIT D+ IIM A) in the country aka made my parents proud. Not the ideal child, had been a little bit of a rebel but all the middle class stuff. Have loved my parents, pretty much what I lived for. Then I married a really good girl, professionally successful, calm, respects my parents and we love each other. However, since my marriage, my mother has gone against my wife and me. It's always like her vs my wife. She doesn't like any of the decisions I make. Me spending any time at my in-laws place. Our ways of managing our house and like (frustratingly) almost everything I do. This has gotten worse after my child is born. Though I thought it would improve. I on my part am trying everything in my control to give her the necessary attention, things, money (I am bleeding good too) whatever I can do but nothing seems to work. I get depressed, cry alone and try to keep calm but sometimes it is just too much. I am trying everything in my hand to insulate my child from all this but I fear that she will start noticing as she grows and this is my absolute worse fear. I do not want her to be emotionally impacted by this. I want to give her a loving environment to grow. I know the situation might not be normal in absolute sense but is it normal in Indian society? Or in general and anyone experienced has any suggestions for me? Can someone help :(
One interview, 1000+ job opportunities
Take a 10-min AI interview to qualify for numerous real jobs auto-matched to your profile 🔑
Yeah it happens, suggestion is just sit with your mother, wife and sort things between them each and everything. Otherwise when it will peak, you will likely to have depression + many disease in future.
If only sitting and discussing was a solution. Funny thing is that I have done it many times (50+ in the last 3-4 years) and my mother agrees that she was unfair but then from the very next day she forgets like we never discussed and solved things.
thn it is extremely complex to solve, as you mentioned that after having one child things will start getting normal but that also didn't work ☹️
This is sad story of almost every middle class home. But why are you spoiling your child by keeping her in the mess!
I never understand why do people fail to understand the importance of a loving, caring environment for a child in growing up stage.
When you bring a child in this world, she should become your topmost priority, because there will be a chain of generations depending upon that single link and how you bring up the child will affect generations to come.
Besides, a child is helpless, can’t escape or seek alternate support, parents are her only reliable help.
So unless parents have some critical medical needs, in case of such conflicting situations which make environment toxic, children must get paramount importance.
I wish every grown up people of current times understand this simple aspect, unfortunately there are many who don't.
You are correct. We are ensuring that. My child is right now very little (~5 months) but to solve it I have rented two apartments together (one building apart). We stay in one and parents in another. They are old (father is 70) and mother is a cancer survivor, so I don't want them to be away. However, nothing works to help the disappointments my mother has from me.
May I know if this was an arranged marriage or love marriage? How was your mom’s nature/ behaviour around your wife before marriage (during marriage setup conversations)
This is a love marriage. She was my friend, not for long before we got married. My mom was happy, she only suggested the first time to consider marrying :/
Ur mom needs counselling. Please take help from a professional counsellor. These are red flags and need to be fixed on time. It's not normal even though it is seen quite often in Indian families. Just because majority are facing it does not mean it should continue. This pattern should be broken. If she does not agree for counselling then moving out with your wife and children is the only option!
You are duty bound to take side of your wife. I was in exactly same situation and had to set the boundaries many a times. In my case, it was me who took the burnt and never allowed my wife to feel pity about it no matter how hard I had to argue with my mother. My mother had liking for grandson over lovely granddaughters she has which only made the situation bad.
I do protect my wife. And difficulty is most times she is not wrong. When she is, she happily obliges when I point out and doesn't hold any grudge. Mom doesn't do that. Problem is my heart feels extremely heavy seeing my mother disappointed and sad and whatever I do, even if I agree to everything she wants, she will eventually end up getting unhappy. And as I write this I guess there is no solution to this, I might jus wanted to pour my heart out here and feel better :/ in anycase thanks
I would advise u to stay strong and don't take sides.
That would spoil his relationship with his wife as well if he doesn't take sides.
You are expecting older people to change. Doesn't happen. You're trying to make up for rough times with your parents.
Move out. Protect your wife and child, and your mind. Take decisions. What's the point of iit iim if you can't take a stand with parents and choose to lead life with what you think is the best path ahead.
But parents are old and they don't have anyone else other than me. Also my mother does all this, my father is nice. Only problem he doesn't help with mother issues. I don't know if leaving old parents would be right? I can't muster the courage for it.
Is subjecting your wife to this, ok? Will subjecting your child to continuous negativity be ok?
You don't have to move far away. Move somewhere nearby, but not too nearby. Think about options in detail.
Ensure parents' wellbeing is taken care of, at a distance. You can afford 2 maids per house, housekeeper even.
Just ignore your mom if she is wrong. And never feel guilty for ignoring your irrational illogical mom. It is natural to abandon backward illogical and irrational people behind. You should leave your foolish mom behind and only after that she will regret. Only way to handle egoistic maniac mom is to pay zero attention and importance to her. No matter what happens.
I mean everything I am is coz of her care and love. She is still the most important person for me. She just doesn't get that. It's only after my marriage that things went down. I don't have the courage to abandon her.
Yeah sad truth that u woke up to...lots of Indian homes are just like this. Insecure possessive people screwing up others lifes
This is why nuclear families are the future