I completed my college last year, having spent my entire academic journey in an all-girls' school and college. Because of this, I never had a boyfriend and only had limited interactions with male friends, mostly through calls or online. Growing up, the environment around me, combined with the movies and shows I watched, shaped a belief that boys are only attracted to fair-skinned women. Being the darkest-skinned student in both my school and college classes made this belief even more deeply ingrained.
Even though people often tell me I look good, this negative perception of myself has had a profound impact—especially on how I interact at work. I tend to avoid going to the office and prefer working from home because of the discomfort and insecurity I feel. When I do go in, I often feel isolated and unnoticed, with no one even offering a simple "Hi."
In the last six years, I’ve received seven proposals from men I've at least seen in real life. However, I didn’t accept any of them because of my deep-seated fears and insecurities. I constantly think, "Why would anyone love me?" I believe that even if someone did, I might eventually be abandoned because I don’t feel I have anything special that could make someone want to stay.
I genuinely want to feel normal and connect with others, but I struggle—especially with male colleagues. While I’m comfortable with one female colleague, she’s often surrounded by male coworkers, which makes me withdraw completely. In those moments, whether it’s lunch, tea breaks, or casual hangouts, I find myself going completely silent.
I realize this suppressed side of me could hold me back from growing both personally and professionally, yet I still feel stuck and unsure of how to move forward.
