Can feel the same pain here.. I’m also in similar situation and do get similar feeling of ending this.
But it’s all ups and downs.
When ever I get a call or shortlisted for a interview, I get some hope and if I clear some 2-3 rounds of same company, then I start dreaming that I’ll get this job and think about from next month going back to job etc .. but after this 2-3 rounds getting rejected or no replies then I start to doubt myself on my knowledge, confidence goes down.. and keep getting thoughts on how will I run my family, how will I pay bills etc and get random thoughts of ending life or running off leaving the family alone etc..
Then again for 2-3 days if I get a call/ shortlisted or interview rounds then I get some hope back and create an expectation that least I will get this job and life will change..
and it’s goes on and on and just waiting for the one job that can change the life.
To distract try to upgrade and upskill yourself which I’m trying to do based on each interviews..
Hope one day this will Pass through and get back normal life