Any DINK couples in their 40s? How do you really feel?
Dual Income and No Kids sounds very attractive but advice from people in their late 20s and 30s is probably too biased to be considered sound advice. Wanted to understand how couples who took that decision in their 30s feel today. Do you regret it? Do you feel purposeless? Do you feel lonely? Do you feel the FOMO? And so on.
Great question. I am eagerly awaiting answers.
I am still in my 20s and cannot comprehend DINK couples.
Of course they are free to do whatever they want. But I personally don’t want to die before having the privilege to raise a child.
Raising a kid or kids is such a noble thing to do. How can people link finance with children? I agree with the whole inflation and expensive education but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have kids. Learn about personal finance. Learn to earn more it thats what makes it easier.
What’s the point of life if you just live for yourself? Don’t know what culture influences this DINK and all other crazy acronyms.
@MattGray So true. Liberalism has messed with everyone's brain.
Degenerate behavior leads to mental health issues
Mental health issues lead to finding instant gratification
Instant gratification leads to poorness
Poorness leads to more degenerate behavior like DINK
And the vicious satanic cycle goes on and on and on
Why is every degenerate thing in today’s society linked with liberalism? 🥹
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BothClimb70
Stealth
8 months ago
I am a 37 year old female and my husband is 40. We were unable to have kids through normal ways and chose to not go for continued IVf after the first one didn’t work. We found IVF to be too draining emotionally, physically and also financially to a certain extent (although that was not a major extent) . We were also ready to take that decision to be a DINK because we felt that we loved each other and found our life fulfilling with each other, family and work. Having a child would have been great but I personally agonised over this decision for many years in my early 30s because we have been told that if you don’t have kids ‘you will regret it later when it’s too late 😅😅’ happy to report years later that we don’t regret not having kids at all - and we don’t think we will feel differently many years later too.
BothClimb70
Stealth
8 months ago
I don’t want to compare but I love the freedom we have, the time available to us and yes if you are choosing to be a DINK find something that you can help nurture. Could be your startup, your work, an activity or hobby but most of us have a nurturing gene in us - need not be fulfilled only by having kids
Gokart
Stealth
8 months ago
Beautiful perspective! What do you guys do to satiate the nurturing aspect ?
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Gems_Bond
Stealth
9 months ago
Not a couple, and definitely not a DINK yet.
But I admire all those who chose to be a DINK consciously.
Nothing more important than being financially well-off and have ample peace of mind.
@Gems_Bond Don't you think this type of thinking is a bit selfish? I mean our entire bloodline fought hard for us. They worked hard for us. Thousands of generations of humans reproducing has led to our birth.
Gems_Bond
Stealth
9 months ago
True dude to a great extent but today human population is massive by all measures.
And few people consciously opting to lead a better life instead of producing won't really take human population southwards.
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SilentObserver
Stealth
9 months ago
We were a DINK for a very long time and then had a baby. So far we have never regretted a single day after having the baby. It has been a pleasure to see him grow into a young adult. Now he has left home and we cherish his accomplishments
Our financial situation did not change much after the kid, but we matured a lot as persons by raising him.
Controversial answer alert.
I met my husband right after college, and have been together since. He's always had a dream with kids in the house, although his thinking was later in life. I was sure that we'll deal with fertility problems and either remain a DINK or just adopt. I leaned towards adoption right from my childhood, but my spouse and my parents (not discussed with his) were not so supportive.
My thoughts were more like, go through so much tension to have a kid, do 10-12 scans, fear for the baby's health and your health.. Everything for what? Bring in a child in our country where the rat race is already crazy? Their generation will also have to compete with AI replacements. You constantly worry about their safety.. If it's a girl child, then it's worse. The country is still pretty dirty. Infra is still sad. I don't see the point of going through so much effort.
On the other hand with an adoption, you'll always know that you have given the child a better life than he/she was about to have. The child is already in the world And has no one to love, care, and treat them for. The child doesn't have to come from your womb. You can love it unconditionally nevertheless. So yeah, I'd say if couples are open to the idea of adoption, take your time, be a DINK. You can always adopt ❣️
Personal take- I am in my early 30s and have 3yo daughter.. I have few friends and relatives who didn’t choose to have baby (or could not because medical reasons) but now regret for that decision. Main reason I found is their loneliness and monotonous life. The reason people gave early is that bringing up child is expensive or don’t want to bring kid in this fucked up world is total bullshit. They just don’t want to take responsibility in that phase (which is perfectly fine if it’s their choice).
But now they spend lacs just for IVF or any other fertility treatment which could have funded their kids education till 12th at least. Just like we want grow in our career, take next role, and feel fulfilled in every phase of it, raising a kid is almost similar. It’s like it’s ok if you want to stay in same role, but it will get monotonous for sure.
This is just my take, others might feel different.. all I can say is raising kid feels so fulfilling
Bad parenting is more prevalent than good parenting.
Let's people take their own choices. It is worse to have a child who has to go through child hood trauma.
Demon
Stealth
9 months ago
That's because people like to blame everything on others. There is no perfect parenting and I think as long as parents are making sure their child can reach young adulthood safely, there are things that the child has to work themselves as well. This has created useless pressure on people aspiring to be parents who are supposed to conform to the BE media shows (send kids to schools with horse riding facility, set them up with Harvard MBA by money even if their kid is a poor student, pay for costly dancing classes which yield nothing but a useless tiktoker).
Expect parents to be perfect, government to be perfect and society to be perfect and keep finding flaws in them to hide one's own shortcomings and materialism is a new type of entitlement which only evolved in 2000s and beyond.
Absolutely correct @Demon
I think there is definitely some Darwinian element to this. People who are too lazy to improve themselves and be good parents end up playing victim by blaming the whole world. The next generation is better off without their genes anyways.
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mistral
Stealth
8 months ago
DiNK or No DINK . Toxic people shouldn't raise kids
majboormajdoor
Stealth
8 months ago
Toxic people are more probable than others to be lonely as they cannot spread their toxicity in solitude. So toxic people mostly won't be DINKs
As a DINK, you will find it difficult to relate to your friends who do move on to the next phase in life and become parents.
Their kids will rightly be their top priority and they won’t be able to spend as much time or money with you hanging out. Budgets will be tighter for them because they need to pay for those expensive schools, or they’ll head home early because the kid needs to sleep. Even when they do hang out, they will prefer other families because childcare is easier that way.
Also as others have pointed out, as parents your friends will grow up a lot. They will likely become more mature; they have to, they have a family depending on them now.
Your good friends will still be in touch with you, but it won’t be the same as before. It’ll start with a few peers, but in a few years you’ll find almost everyone has a kid and you might feel left behind then.
@HiddenBolt55 Thanks for the reply. Is this your personal experience or that's what you think will happen? If personal experience, do you regret being a DINK couple decision considering what all you shared?
Gokart
Stealth
9 months ago
Very good perspective!
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They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself
- Philip Larkin
Forget all the nobility and continuing blood-line etc, spending time with your child is such a stress buster that brings enormous joy in one's life.
At least for me life would be so empty without that part.
I can imagine the relief coming home to your kid must feel. Thanks for sharing.
Such a complicated and subjective topic to pass a general comment on. But I enjoyed reading some of the actual responses to the question itself, ignoring people sharing their opinions about others going DINK.
Thanks for asking this question in a sincere way.
We do feel some emptiness, some void in our hearts, have had pets and they kept dying and leaving us more and more heartbroken, we see each other grow old every day, wrinkles and grey hairs are occupying their due space, we are always filled with joy when we meet our friends' kids, our nieces and nephews, the void that I mentioned , we think that kids laughters can fill that, unfortunately that ship has sailed, we can no longer bear children, we've had our time, have money but no one to spend on,
I cannot speak for her here, but I sure do regret not having kids,
Thanks for sharing. Really helpful in forming a view. I wish you find something that could help fulfill that gap.
I’m not married yet but I would anyway prefer to be a DINK. If in future , something comes up and there is a change in priority , kids can always be adopted. Atleast if that’s the case , we would be able to give a better life to someone.
Given there are so many DINK haters in this post, here is a different take (pls don't attack. Not liberalist or whatever it's called)
I have a friend whom I was talking to a week back. This guy lost his dad pretty young and then over time obviously had to take in a lot of responsibility and was also very close to his mom. He also had a neice some 10 yrs back whom he is very very close to. Takes her to school and back and literally raises her like his own kid. He finally decided to get married (he had kept pushing back on marriage because most girls can't take in their husbands being very close to their mom and family). Now both his fiancee and he have decided not to have kids because his whole life has been about taking responsibility and looking after others (similar kind b/g for his fiancee too) and now he just wants to spend the next 10-15 yrs travelling and enjoying his hard earned money. When I asked him about the typical "won't u miss being a father", his answer was dude I have a neice who I love like a father, why should it matter if it's not my kid?
Now this is a very specific circumstance but not uncommon. I am not pro or against DINK but it was hard to find fault in his rationale
majboormajdoor
Stealth
8 months ago
DINK haters are the stupidest man.
People should be left to their own life choices. The worst and annoying factions of either the Liberals or conservatives are those who prescribe duties and judgements upon others without any empathy on the others' experiences and lives.
I ain't a DINK, but I understand of why someone choses to be. More power to them.
Caring for other people is what should matter.
Own kid or not, we should guide, help and care for all humans. Which your friend is right in stating. I think people have hatred for people who want to avoid all responsibilities and just spend their money on vanity things, not caring about any family, society or anyone.
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I personally would like to have a kid (adopted or otherwise) someday to fulfil my nurturing needs. But I do understand where DINK folks are coming from, and believe that it’s an absolute valid choice.
It’s been nice reading all the comments here and I respect everyone’s opinions. Except @codebreaker . He’s a piece of human filth and I hope he doesn’t get to add one more of him to the society.
majboormajdoor
Stealth
8 months ago
I knew what comments this post would attract:
Unsolicited posts from non-DINKs looking down and spitting down on DINKs publicly, rudely & bashfully. Most common bashing themes: Liberals Suck, DINKs are selfish, raising child is a privilege and a duty etc
having a kid is not at all a selfish "choice", it's my legacy. It's my pension fund. It's an escape because I can't deal with loneliness and my thoughts. It doesn't impact me negatively but I will call DINKs degenerate for funnies.
unpocoloco
Stealth
8 months ago
Slightly off topic, but personally, when I see how difficult life is - from figuring out your passion while maintaining good grades, getting into a good college, start making money on your own while, keeping yourself physically fit, socially engaged etc etc, the eternal degradation of earth resources - air, water, soil etc, and ever increasing cost of basic necessities - education, food, I just feel like, I cannot throw my bloodline in all this suffering.
Thoughts?
Suffering is not increasing but reducing over generations. We no longer die of pox or small fever or famines. We no longer are uneducated and unaware of what yields to a better life and how to optimize for survival.
We no longer fight wars every two months.
The standard of living is rising. Social security is getting better.
All this was possible due to humanity evolving and the next generation building upon the progress of the previous one.
There will be newer challenges in future instead of sheer food-shelter needs.
Survival is a collective effort and will always be.
I fear more about civilizations and cultures getting lost due to losing fertility rates - Japan, Italy, etc.
I know a lot of DINK couples including my Uncle (Chacha/Chittappa). Most start of as hard-core DINK's and then decide to have kids. Some remain DINK's because they can't have kids and decide not to adopt. The one I know who are DINK's in their 60's married very late.
All in all your will find very few who will remain DINK's because they choose to be one and only remain a DINK because of circumstances.
Personally my spouse and I were DINK's for almost 8 years because of our circumstances which was quite challenging. Life has changed dramatically after our daughter and we wouldn't have it any other way. I would say we have become much better versions of ourselves and life is hectic and happier.
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