‘For the void that I have to live by’, the most heartbreaking part of all this!

Tech Lead

The Loss of a friend I felt deeply The sorrows I shared The laughs we all carried The roads walked together The thoughts that we lived through  My Friend For a Call that I missed a day For a regret...

The Loss of a friend
I felt deeply
The sorrows I shared
The laughs we all carried
The roads walked together
The thoughts that we lived through

My Friend
For a Call that I missed a day
For a regret of an eternity
I apologise for not being there

You Were the Strongest,Respected
 and The Most Beautiful Soul I ever met.
For even if I wish, the past cannot be undone
For a life again lived
It's with you I want
To be raised together from the sun

For Will I Live
The Thoughts of our growth
For the void that I have to live by.

The Loss

The Loss- Grapevine

Welcome to Confessions's Private Community

My life took a U turn last Saturday when I lost my mother. She hadn't been keeping well for sometime now. But this wasn't something that we expected when we took her to AIIMS. 
1 Week from then, I continue to get visuals of how my mom's heartbeat dropped from 61 to 45 to 32 to 18 and then flat. I screamed for the doctor and then they gave her CPR. The heartbeat resumed but it again started falling. That was when the doctor told me that it was the last night and that I should have everyone from the family around (they were already on their way from Gurgaon).While she remained unconscious on a ventilator, I still knew that she was breathing. I sat there quietly holding maa's hand and chanting the Mahamrityunjay mantra. Post CPR, the heartbeat resumed again but at 10:06 pm, it again became flat. An ECG was done and when I asked for the report, the technician asked me to get in touch with the doctor. At 10:16 , doctor came and checked about my family members' arrival so that maa can be put off from the ventilator. My only question was to know for how long will maa be there once we put off the ventilator. The doctor politely told me that she was already gone. The ECG report was flat at 10:07 pm so my maa had gone away when I felt that slight movement of the hand that I so firmly held. 

My maa was my life, my anchor, my confidante and my constant cheerleader. I found a small note that she had written praying for my success in UPSC exams. I have it laminated to remind me how I didn't leave upto her expectations.

This was the second life that maa lived after her renal transplant back in November 2014. My younger brother donated his kidney and maa learnt to live again. We had some of the most cherished moments in the last 10 years, where we bought our first car, first home and maa saw one of her dreams realised-  what she used to describe as her most decorated achievement- my marriage. 

I am the eldest in the family so when the transplant happened 10 years ago, the doctor had told me that the max life that a transplanted kidney has, in people with pre-existing co- morbidities was 10 years. I never told this to anybody. 2 years ago, when a biopsy was done and the doctor told me that the max time that kidney will last is 2 years, I had thought that we would go for another transplant since I am now fit to donate my kidney. But I didn't know that the side effects of the immunosuppressive medicines would be so extreme that maa's body wouldn't be in a position to bear another surgical procedure. She had lost 24 kgs in the last 1.5 years and we consulted multiple doctors who opined that it's mostly due to loss of appetite. Maa hardly ate 1 roti in each of her meals. The day she ate more than 1 roti was a day we celebrated & joked & laughed. My cute maa used to ask me if she has gained weight after eating 2 chapatis for 2 days continuously and I used to affirm the same. 

She innocently used to ask me to help her with the spelling of a few words that she couldn't type and I used to jokingly add lmnopq at the end of the word. Her belief in me was so strong that she actually asked me what I said after lmn! Then I used to break it to her that I was joking and then she used to hit me with whatever was around, picking things which she knew won't hurt me.

She was the first person to wish me a happy journey when I was travelling and the first person to text if I have boarded/landed. She was a part of everything that I did. She had the first right on my existence and my success. 

Amidst all this, her Tom n Jerry fights with Papa were eternal. Papa used to relish such alterations and mummy loved bitching about it with my wife. My younger brother was never so expressive so he loved maa silently. Taking care of small things that mattered for maa's health. 

I used to plan our family outings and was the one with whom maa felt the safest( One credit that I would not want to share with anyone). 

Maa probably had an intuition that she was destined for sadgati sooner than later. She once told me when I was kissing her forehead , to cut down on the attachment that I have for her because the end was near. I used to scream and annoyingly tell her to spare a thought for me when she says such things. 

But Maa had made up her mind. She chose to go away the same way she lived her life. Without really bothering any of us and taking it all in her stride. 

A part of me has gone away and I haven't cried my heart out because it will impact my father, brother & wife because they expect me to be strong. I'm trying my best but I'm a human too. Hence I chose to post this anonymously here. 

Blessed are those who get to see their parents every morning. Cherish & live that moment everyday.

Maa_ Travel well! I'm here to take care of everything!

Very sad to hear this. Om Shanti.

Ghost of Tsushima has an amazing quote and maybe it will help you in this time.

"You’re never alone, your father is the wind at your back, and your mother the birds in the trees."

Your father's strength is in the wind, and your mother's watchful presence in the birds above.

Product Manager

Customer Experience

***The Unsung Song***

In the corridors of youth, a lad met a maiden fair,
Her wisdom beyond years, in college halls she dwelt.
Their souls entwined through digital strings on Yahoo's lair,
Numbers exchanged, and on the phone, their hearts would melt.

Best friends they blossomed, through seasons and years,
A meeting planned, with hope and hearts aflutter.
But love, unbidden, in the boy appears,
A love unreciprocated, causing hearts to shutter.

A quarrel arose, the lad withdrew in pride,
His words to her, scarce and coldly dealt.
Fate's cruel hand then took her for a ride,
A car crash, a hospital gown, a belt.

Pre-surgery, she reached out with a trembling hand,
He, unaware of the gravity, wished luck, nothing more.
Days passed, a call returned, a revelation unplanned,
Her cousin's voice bore news that shook him to the core.

The surgery a success, yet a nerve was cut,
Her essence leaked, her light extinguished in the dark.
The boy, now a man, in sorrow's rut,
His heart forever marked by an indelible mark.

In others, he seeks her, in vain attempts at love,
Each relationship a mirror, reflecting his loss.
Alone in a crowd, he looks to the stars above,
For the one he loved and lost, no matter the cost.

Haunted by regret, a word unsaid, a chance not taken,
He wanders through life, a specter of his former self.
In every face, her eyes, his foundation shaken,
A young man lost, a book unread, left on the shelf.

Gave my story to AI which resulted into this

In the silence of the morning, a whisper cuts the air,
A message cold and distant, a news too hard to bear.
Dreams built on dedication, now teetering on the brink,
A heart beats heavy, wondering what to think.

Hands that once were busy, now tremble in the void,
A future once so certain, now painfully destroyed.
Colleagues turned to family, faces etched with strife,
Together we once thrived, now fragments of a life.

Hope flickers dim, yet stubborn in the dark,
A search for new beginnings, a flame ignites a spark.
For even in this sorrow, strength will find its way,
In the wake of endings, dawns a brighter day.

Layoffs

Operations Manager

Dwindling sky and
drudging sun,
remember these days when
frustration fills air.
chaos is what I smell around
and I see,
they are escaping the weight of darkness, from this city of manipulation.

unscrupulous theories,
crack philosophies,
cowards rule castles
and hypocrites preach
liberalism and tolerance.

I  feel,
I should walk on the road,
and seek if there remains few
who can yet sing, laugh, cry and live
on their own wish,
without having to escape the weight of darkness


I am leaving my friend,
this search of hypothesis
It is mirage for me
I  will walk away,
and may you remember,
when i escaped the weight of darkness,
I  left a poem to live in the city

a poem to live in the city

Quant Trader

For the Pride Left Behind
For The Kindness that was sowed when I was a child
With the empathy I felt for the hearts around
For the love I saw in everyone's eyes

The warmness everyone carried in themselves
Was I late
I don't know
I didn't seek revenge on myself
Nor a war

As a Adult
I realised I seek Calmness
The battle that carried himself over the years
The criteria to win was to loose upon himself

The scars that I carried
Were after all the Pride I heart
The uneasiness I fealt
Was to do the good always
The light that shine
Was after all the hope that was always within me

How could I Forget?
The life I lived was a blessing
The problems, The solutions
The journey blessed by my ancestors.

A Reminder

What's something you never appreciated until you lost it?

Software Engineer

My beloved tunnel, we meet again,
Your smoky embrace, was missed in the train,

Lets make a toast, to your tobacco smeared rear,
To my aerosol elixir, devouring my fears,

Come and teach me to forget,
Well being is a burden, I sweat,

Lets let it all out, with a puff so sacred,
lets ma'ar the society, with a mist of hatred,

Is it the smell, or is it the taste??
Which forces me, to clash my fate,

I'll breathe, and long past midnight,

And I fade away, with no regrets,

Your remains, bathed in a glowing aura,

Bleed profusely, in my abode of ashes,

A long thread of that marvellous grey,
The proud evidence, of your bittersweet karma,

The last spire, a sudden draught,
A purpose fulfilled, a lesson taught, 

I wish I could avoid, that one last kiss,
I'll be back, with another bud, I promise.

An ode to a Cigarette

I am still a student
Final year

Even after knowing this is all worthless
Focusing on career is everything

But a void still remains ain't it?
To share everything I had for the day
Or even listen to some good words

Not everyone has a good relationship with their parents
Not everyones good friend is free for every time talk

Sometimes it feels this isn't enough
Had to reach the place where all my friends at the top are

Sometimes it feels right to end and leave everything

Thanks for reading
Have a good sleep

[Night Thoughts before Sleep] I really wished I had a partner

To the people who lost a parent young( I'm 24), how are you coping the loss? I lost my dad 2 months back. It was sudden. I'm still in shock. Many of our peers don't understand the feeling we are going through. How did you find your support system?

Losing a parent

System Engineer

Welcome to Software Engineers's Private Community

Looking back at our college days, I remember how close we were. We used to think our friendship would last forever not only friends but cousins too, but things have changed. No one keeps in touch anymore. The friends I used to fart with are now distant, and when we do talk, it's only after months.

It's frustrating. We're doing well financially, but our relationships are suffering. Whether it's because of work pressure or being tied to the office, we can't visit our hometowns as often as we'd like.

On weekends, I find myself drinking alone, scrolling through old photos and videos of friends and family with some songs playing, and crying.

Life goes on...! Monday comes restart....!

I just wanted to share the feelings so i did :)

The Loss

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