Adulting Issues - Input needed!
23M, Introvert
Humble middle class upbringing, parents worked very hard to give me good education. Maintained decent grades throughout. Growing up we had all the money for things we need but nothing would have been left for things we want.
Cracked an off-campus after I graduated. I had no idea what I really wanted to do. Devastated and frustrated my mental health went for a toss.
Worked on myself on figuring out and upskilling. Worked very hard for 7 months. God's grace cracked a good remote job package. Which is dream for kids to achieve at the beginning itself of the career. Especially when you are from tier 3.
I never told anyone how much I make. Many tried many things to get out of me on how much I make. But, I don't know I never felt comfortable answering.
Because I always had this in my mind that money is very powerful energy once you say it out. It's in the Air freely.
Parents/family everyone thought I cracked an avg package what usually students crack from Tier 3 college.
But I was doing well financially. Since I don't have much expense apart from food(that too only because I am bit very serious about my physical fitness)
Everything started going well, I gave many gifts many gifts to my family. Replaced old home electronics with high ends. And lot of furnitures etc etc. In short a lot TBH. Then they noticed that I cracked a big one.
As someone who had very humble beginnings getting these things to home felt unreal. My parents are very proud. I have exceeded their expectations of doing what's best for family in all the ways at this age.
As I mentioned the only thing where I personally spend on is on food. Apart from it i don't usually spend on myself. I don't have any much friends/girlfriend to hang out every now and then.
All I spent was giving family better quality of life and saving up to take risky bets in businesses. I always wanted to do something other than just job.
I keep failing but I keep trying.
But, recently I started to feel I was better of when I was student.
Every conversation I have with my family somewhere it keeps rebounding to how much money do I really make. Now even I try to have normal conversation with anyone it will be transactional someway. They always keep mentioning what we should get next, next next.
At some point, I thought it will stop at some point as we had it all. Nothing much necessary now I can focus on my business full on.
But now it keeps coming some of the other thing. Everyday literally
Now I feel very sad that they never asked are you really happy with job?, do you want to study more?, are you still figuring out? Have you bought anything for yourself which you wanted to when you were growing?
I never bought anything expensive for myself. The phone I use is of 5yr old. I don't feel peer pressure. But friends I see are different, expensive phones, vacations, parties and what not.
They didn't give much to family as I did(please don't judge here. Saying it without ego i swear)
I don't know how to say them this is enough I want to do something hence I need to save. Then they might say what's less in this job. We are doing well.
I feel my parents never understood me. I don't have much interest too in getting things for just myself. But, at least they could have asked.
I don't know how to speak about this to them. Nor share with my friends/anyone.
Am I overthinking here? Is it normal? Have anyone experienced the same how did you deal with it?
Often times, it is the children who have to instruct parents on how to be better parents. They never got a handbook full of rules, they don't always know what's best either.
Sometimes they will trust the children too much to tell them/ask them about their stuff. Like the phone you want to buy for example. They might assume you'd buy it if you really needed it and wouldn't require a discussion with them.
You know what you need to say to them, you've written it in the post itself. Write this to them as a letter or say it to them yourself. It's a difficult but necessary talk to establish boundaries.
Sucks to grow up but stuff like this will happen more often the more you become older.
Sorry, but I don’t understand hiding salary from even your own parents, you can always tell them not to tell others, or to tell some fictitious figure to others. You think your parents worked so hard to give me good education, and yet you think they don’t deserve to know how much exactly you earn? And you think they asking about your earning, and that makes it conclusive that all they care about is money?
You really need to sit down and think.
And to respond to the later part of your post, few parents understand children, or at least that’s what we as children think. There are always differences, in many families huge differences in thought process and understanding. I don’t see anything unique here, pretty usual. You just need to make peace with that and carve out your own world, your own friend circle, or even just your own way of life with very selective circle.
@shpinq I told my 1st job's salary. I didn't mention about 2nd one. They didn't much bother either. It's my close relatives
Money means differently to different people.
Some think of it just as an exchange to get things like your parents and relatives. For some, it's security, peace of mind, a store of value. It all depends on the era and environment you grow up in.
Your parents might consider your income as family money. You think of it as your own.
My advice is to start keeping a fixed small portion out of your monthly income to give them and let them do anything with it. Or keep negotiating on every financial decision so that you learn and they learn about money as well.
It's not your fault dude. You are a bit too harsh on yourself. You are not overthinking. Chill out. And you should live life. You said that you had spent on food for the gym, then I reckon you would love to do adventure sports, and travel likewise. You should definitely give it a try. I think you are internally feeling 'less' because you never gave yourself the space to be 'more' than your work. Give yourself that space first, try out new things even if you don't feel like it. Then the world will start to change likewise.
You are very humble about yourself regardless of all you have achieved, plus have a soul which isn't degraded by materialism and decadence despite you having that choice and the money to do so. That's very rare to see nowadays.
I am on a similar journey to you. The starting part of the post that is. And I can empathise with you very strongly! You can dm me if you need to. We can be good friends I believe.
Start saving for yourself, for your dream. You may not go for it today because of XYZ reasons but you never know about the future.
Tell your parents that initially you were receiving a bonus amount apart from salary hence you were able to get new things, now you don't get bonus and hence whenever there is a demand for a new item, give them a hypothetical timeline of 6-7 months. Repeat it for every demand, they will eventually understand.
Save this money for yourself, maybe a vacation, for your business, marriage, insurance, education, bike, car etc.
And yeah BUY A NEW PHONE if it stresses you this much.
Just clearly mention what you can afford and what not, clearly maintain your budget and a decent lifestyle for your family,
You are doing just fine, and most of the time nobody asks a man what he really loves or happy or not etc. just accept and you will be more mature, work on finding a life partner for yourself, invest in relationship also.
I have come from a poor background and have been doing all this for a while now :)
No one is a mind reader, and as far as my experiences go - most parents aren't going to understand what their child's thoughts are. So please, go talk to them and let them know what part of their behaviour bothers you. It need not be confrontational, but a way of expression. If they don't understand at the time, let them be, they will come around. And try to understand their thoughts too because remember they are a generation apart from us and the way they have lived and seen life is different.
Give a different number if you don’t want to say it. Tell them you do some side hustles for extra cash.
I kinda understand the narrative, cause your parents with joy and innocence will tell the world, but that could not turn out well for you. I get it. You are not overthinking here.
Hey you stand alone to gain or lose when it comes to your choices that you make now as earning adult. Have enough in bank for emergencies and needs of family, underserve your actual salary to peeps which would lead you to less transactional convos or lesser expectations. Build corpus for yourself and start picking good habits like good place to workouts, hobbies and activities etc.
Life will take its own course. In a few years, at your own pace, remember if you choose to get married, this cycle might repeat so prepare yourself. At that time when you decide to have a family of your own, it’ll get very tricky.
So how much do you earn bro . /s Communication is key bro. Try to have frank conversations with them