Idk what to write here - My story maybe?

Idk why I'm writing here.. maybe because idk how to get out of this and feeling too much guilt lately & I just wanna write & express - doesn't have anybody to express.

I met a girl in University.. we talked, met, Had alot of fun together.. gradually I've realized how much I love her, that was intense feeling, something I've never felt. Dilemma was she always had a bf, whom she wants to marry.. I didn't wanna loose her, so never expressed my emotions.. we became very good friends, still we are closest to each other.. that did sometimes led to intimate situations.. but idk somehow we knew our boundaries.. there was an unsaid line between us.. which I totally understand..

Fast forward, we graduated.. and I thought I'll learn to live with these emotions and I did I guess.. but it ruined me in very way..

I've dated aggressively once I got a job.. and most of the time it was nice but I always end up judging each one of them to the person I love & everyone felt short.. I was so habitual of her.. I know I was wrong.. but couldn't help.. either this or that, something was always missing.. maybe because I was finding her in everybody..

At one time I use to date alot of girls.. and slowly I started feeling shit. Guilty. Shame. Because ultimately it's the same story.. and I starts feeling terrible.. my professional life starts suffering.. my mental health starts suffering.. because ultimately you just have 24 hours and limited attention..

I talked with her (the girl I love, because she is still my closest friend), I just told her how I'm in a mess and dating Addiction (didn't confessed I love her) somehow we were able to stop all this.. I stopped dating most of them.. although I had physical relationship with someone.. and I enjoyed her so much & we continued that.. and at the same time I met a girl whom I actually wanna date.. because she was better than others.. I told her everything.. how I loved someone and that got me into dating Addiction.. and she was fine with it.. she just asked me to stop dating anyone, which I did accepted. Because deep down I do wanna settle with one.. I want to stop and feel this moment with just one.. instead of juggling between multiple.. but the thing is she doesn't know about my physical relationship.. and I'm still engaged into it..

Idk I'm extremely confuse and hurt and tired.. and the physical relationship is worth it for sure.. but at the same time it feels cheating the girl I'm dating. Then I manipulate myself that it's just dating.. and I will leave the physical one soon.. but I'm also scared to lost any of them.. while there are still emotions for the original one...