GroovyNoodle

Love and Marriage

Men on GV: Ask questions on love, relationships and marriage!

Women on GV: Answer these questions genuinely and bluntly!

I'll go first: Heard about a married couple (married <1 year) and already separated (to be divorced). The wife hid her past and relationship from her family and in-laws. Husband asked about her relationships and she said she isn't in one. No pressure from the guy's family about marriage. Girl said yes and for months pretended to be excited about marriage. Post marriage, husband realised that she's cheating, excessive partying drinking, and smoking. Husband is in a disarray and suicidal.

Now I know there are both men and women like her (not making it a gender thing). But as a man looking for a partner/relationship/girlfriend, how do we be careful and what red and green flags should we look for, in a woman, while looking for a genuine relationship?

10mo ago

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ZestyPretzel

Swiggy10mo

See, you should accept the fact that relationships are common these days. As a man, better not get married if you expect an "unsullied woman" for lack of a better word. Women empowerment includes all of these and alimony to be paid up by men if things sour. I have known men who have had to pay lakhs of settlement money whose only fault was to get married. These are not moral judgements, but just suggestions to safeguard yourself if you are scared of surprises. Adultery is not a legal offence. A married woman has the right to extra-marital relationship.

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-india-45404927

https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/city/dehradun/hc-allows-married-woman-to-stay-with-live-in-partner/articleshow/101092491.cms

https://www.opindia.com/2021/01/mamata-banerjee-permits-married-women-to-have-extra-marital-affair/

CosmicLlama

Freelancer10mo

The worst words to hear "relationships are common these days.". If pre-nup is legal then previous relationship is fine. Since it's not, that's not fine either.

For men the best way is to marry as early as possible. Preferably to someone whose family you know. If not possible marry a women who doesn't have conditions. even if you suspect her to be feminist, run .... If marrying late then marry a woman who had a valid reason to stay single. Anything other than that you are risking ancestral wealth for used goods.

ZestyPretzel

Swiggy10mo

Just to be clear, I wasn't advocating relationships to be common, just said they are common, the way things are these days. Extramarital affair is common in every liberal, feminist nation. India will be no exception. The second paragraph you wrote is bang on.

DizzyLlama

Freelancer10mo

Look for similar standards as you would hold yourself to. That's all! Talk about things while dating or getting to know each other phase.
Make the person comfortable enough that you both are vulnerable with each other and can share things. Be empathetic and understanding and take next steps only when convinced

GroovyNoodle

Stealth10mo

Absolutely, emotional compatibility is important

GigglyBurrito

Javis10mo

Looking at all the situations around me. I think I’m going to be single for lifetime. What we were and what we are reduced to is so bad.
I’m 25 M and I’m the only son of my parents and I don’t want them to be in problematic situation because of all these things. This is why I have decided to be single. If this is the price I have to pay, I’m more than happy to pay the price.
There are few more reasons to not get marry or to not be in a relationship. Since, I’ve no one to share, so I couldn’t share this with anyone. I’ll write a post why I think like this in future.
At last I’m thinking I’ll move to haridwar or vrindavan if possible in future.

GigglyBurrito

Javis10mo

I might be wrong in future but this what I think about it.

SwirlyHamster

Razorpay10mo

Completely agree from the above comment, before marriage atleast know the person in and out for atleast 1.5 years, this usually happens due to the fact one of the person is pretending and you can’t figure out if the other one is genuine or pretending.
The only thing being they can’t pretend for a longer time like more than 1-2 or maybe 3 years.
Also make sure you know how other person resolves issue or fights or improves themselves, these things can help a lot in finding a good partner.
I would also ask people in relationships to test the trust limits, don’t wanna go into how to do that but you can have this test at random moments but not very frequently and you can know what are the limits to your relationship and you can start working there but subtly. P.S I m not married but am aware of a lot of stuff 🤭

SparklyPotato

Google10mo

You are your own person. Ensure you don't lose him. If you can't show up authentically, maybe that's not the right fit for you. Also, have a healthy relationship with yourself before finding someone else, this is a WIP, obviously, you can juggle these.
As an individual, you may have different interests. You should be able to pursue those, have a life outside of her, and not make her your sole support system. She should encourage this individuality, hopefully complement it.
Conflicts should be resolved in a healthy manner, not where either person is holding grudges, or bringing up history of past fights to escalate present ones.
Know the difference between boundaries and insecurities. Analyse and question, explore within, see what emotion is stemming from where (wow, this sounds like therapy). Have healthy boundaries, but also be considerate. Maybe if they are restrictive in an abusive/unhealthy way, they're likely insecurities.

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