Remorse of losing moments: 'value' the experiences & avoid forced trade-off

In 2018, I was doing my BBA from Delhi University, when the cultural fest of our college invited ‘The Local Train’ band for a live show. Of course, they performed Choo lo, Aoge Tum Kabhi, Dil Mere, Bandey, which had all my heart (in 2018 and today). But I chose not to attend the fest. As a 20-yr old, I never reflected why I would have done that...But as a 26-yr-old, I did it today.

For a long time, Aalas ka pedh had remained my favorite archive of emotions, feelings of coming of age & loneliness when I had not yet stepped out of the borders of my ‘home’, semblance of how a breakup feels like when I didn’t know what a relationship stands for (let alone being in one), longing for love when I couldn't distinguish it from the romantic movies of SRK.

And yet, I chose not to attend the fest. It was a conscious choice. It didn't bother me. “I was not into live music or experiences”. Why? I was not sure about my reasoning then, but now I think it was because I didn't value the very feelings I got from listening to those songs - emotions, coming of age, loneliness, breakup, relationship or love, all of the feelings I got from listening to those songs.

My mind was flooded with the thoughts of achieving “objective” metrics - marks, ranks, admission in xyz college, because they were right there, easy to understand and calculate; the input was the attention and hours I put and output were grades. To my mind, that seemed “easier to achieve” than going through the process of defining and valuing those emotions.

4 years after this event, I would have just started my 2nd job, when I heard that the Local Train had unofficially disbanded when the lead singer, Raman Negi, left the band for a solo career. I didn’t feel it that much - because the “objective” bug hadn’t left me, and the value I placed to those emotions - coming of age, loneliness, breakup, relationship or love - still couldn’t be “calculated”.

2 years later, today, I realized 2 things.

1. I will never be able to hear The Local Train “live”. I lost the multiple chances I had. It hits me every time I hear the album again. To “objectify” it, I exhausted my attempts (like in UPSC) and clearly failed.
2. In the past, I have mis-forced “trade-offs”. The decision to not attend had no positive implication on my “success”, but negative implication on who I am today.

Those moments and experiences are the attempts to make memories that will form a major part of the brain, when you grow old, shape who you are. While you are doing trade-offs, you value the non-objective things by the number of attempts you have to make. It isn’t that difficult to count the attempts, just uncomfortable.

If I had that effort of valuing those experiences and emotions “objectively” better and not forced the trade-offs, I could have been a different person today.

1. Attended those live concerts with my friends
2. Got the chance of dating my crush in MBA
3. Worked with a co-founder closely who I looked up to as a operator
4. Would have watched one of my favorite stand-up comics perform live
5. Many more…

Hence, my request to young folks in their 20s to incorporate this method of valuing non-objective things and avoiding forced trade-offs.