Are you too nice to people at work?
Symptoms of being ‘too nice’ to people at work: - Overuse of gratitude words like Thank you, please, could you, kindly, etc on all forms of communication at work. - Registering your reactions like thumbs up & clap to literally every chat message in slack/teams/discord channels at work. - Praise excessively on meetings like retrospectives, etc. - Replying ‘thank you’ to every individual person who wished you or congratulated you for some occasion, especially in WhatsApp groups. Have you ever introspected why you are ‘too nice’ to people instead of just being ‘nice’ to people?
Yes.
It's a behavior that was very encouraged when I was a junior - managers and founders loved that somebody was nice, would follow their word, and deliver
As I have grown in the last couple of years within companies, it's becoming a curse. Getting work out of people requires you to sometimes break that habit. I've also been given feedback that I don't speak up when I'm supposed to.
Nice to the point where you're doing disservice to your work is not nice
In case anybody went through this, it would be really helpful to hear how you broke it
99bytes
Stealth
a year ago
“Nice to the point where you're doing disservice to your work is not nice”
There can’t be a better way to explain your predicament at work.
By the way, I did go thru’ this phase during early stages in my career for the same reason you mentioned. But now I’ve completely come out of this.
I refrain from using words like please, kindly and similar vocabulary. Yet, I keep it polite but strong. This is how I word my emails:
“I would like you to do _____”.
“Would you mind getting this info for me?”
“Wouldn’t it make sense to do it this way?”
“I believe, this approach would fetch better results. Isn’t it worthy to give a try?”
The key to overcoming the habit of being excessively nice to people lies in practicing affirmation.
Thanking and being nice is a good habit, nothing wrong with that in my opinion.
But if you're not speaking up then that's a problem. I think if you're highly ambitious then this should come naturally as you would be curious to know about things and eager to make your growth as smooth as possible and for that you'll have to talk to people, suggest improvements, point out mistakes etc. In other cases you might have to work on it.
I think the root cause for this is lack of confidence and being afraid of saying something stupid. You can start by speaking up in your 1 on 1s that's where your inputs are most welcomed. This will also help you in validating your points and will give you some confidence. Biggest confidence boost you'll get from is by speaking up in team meets like retros and standups. And trust me people always appreciate suggestions, it's a matter of 2-3 such instances and you'll open up.
Also if you feel like your achievements are not being noticed then you'll have to make the important stakeholders notice and the best place for this is again your 1 on 1s. This is one place where you can't be all shy and nice. No work is too small to not mention.
Not to mention every workplace has different dynamics so adapt your conversations based on that.
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I’ve been said to be ‘too nice’ yes and heard many times from people that I won’t succeed because of it.
But you know what, screw it! Be yourself and it will show dividends.
Not being yourself is nothing but catastrophic.
This makes sense, I've been trying to get there, it's just that I have to remind me every now and then and hence it feels like I'm just not being my natural self
It's a process I guess. Thanks for starting this conversation though, it's good to get reminded and get someone's thoughts on it
99bytes
Stealth
a year ago
Glad that it made you realize this. A lot of us don’t introspect on certain basic things and continue to remain naive until they get a nudge like this.
Damn !! I was very nice. Even junior's use to talk shit and behave inappropriately with me. But then God blessed me. I left the company
I adjust to the atmosphere around me.
In teams with an aggressive culture I'd become pretty aggressive myself.
Currently in a really collaborative team I check a couple of boxes of niceness from above.
99bytes
Stealth
a year ago
I think if circumstances allow you to be aggressive or be kind then it is natural. But the concern is when it gets hyper. If you team environment itself promotes overpraise, then I see a fundamental problem. Overcritism might be even worse. It might lead to hostile work environment.
mjDev
Stealth
a year ago
Friends at FAANG behave like trained dogs and they won't get promo if they aren't nice to people
99bytes
Stealth
a year ago
Oh, that’s a bit harsh! But I too have seen this behavior with some people around me.
Over time I have become less nicer is something I noticed
As an early employee I remember having more empathy for people, actively liking conversations with coworkers, wanting to help out colleagues beyond my time
Over time I’ve become protective about my time at work. Stick to tasks for the day and leave. I guess I am operating on extremes
Abybaby
Stealth
a year ago
If everybody think they are nice to others in the office, then who are the ones that make our life hell in most offices?
Barring cultural norms while working with Japanese teams, I am learning to put my foot down and stop being overly nice. It's better to say a firm but polite no if you're in the middle of a task and do not have the time to help someone else with theirs. Some people started behaving rudely once I started doing this but I just don't bother.
99bytes
Stealth
a year ago
I guess once you set an impression of being ‘overly nice’ and then change yourself to normalize the behavior, it gets hard for people to accept you. People always have a preconceived notion about your personality.
99bytes
Stealth
a year ago
I think you missed to read the word ‘overuse’ on the post.
I personally don't find saying thank you and please as bending backwards. One please and thank you for a request is expected.
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Nice doesn't work, you need to be borderline irreverant, dysfunctionaly professional to get through the rut
First is fine, everything after that is just a waste of time and a hilarious dilution of your word. Focus on being firm but fair, then you can be nice and people will still think twice before talking to you.
I always apply 2 learnings which I have learned from my manager
1. Either get convinced or convince others
2. Always know why and make sure the solution you are proposing is the best under given constraints.
Following above 2 points automatically means that I ask a lot of questions, and I am never too nice. Since I don't give a shit about anything in company except work. This means that I am never a ass****
Too nice to people at work can be negative when you don't say no to a new work even when you are overburden by the current work allocation.
The points mentioned in the post are pretty normal and everyone should have an attitude like this.
Yes, at work. And I'm not ashamed of it, I manage people and sometimes it's hard to get work done being polite and very nice but I have never compromised my policy.
To add to OP's points,
This goes beyond being polite all the time and using please, kindly and all.
Especially for client facing or front office type roles.
I believe this stems from an insecurity about not being valued by our managers, pressurised to fit in and not be ourselves in the workplace.
Being too nice is actually a case of fawning in response to threats:
When faced with a threat, we can fight, flight/leave, fawn or freeze.
For your own sake, identify what about your workplace makes you feel insecure. Discuss this feeling with trusted friends and family, take help from coworkers where possible or even a short break from work
See, this is no longer your weakness once you recognise it and if you find any person senior enough and who can be trusted, talk to then about this responsibly and they should give you some time until you can find your bearings.
When I started, this made me my CTOs favourite 😂 I quickly became from a fresh hire to decision maker (I also had more knowledge and skills than my seniors).
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