I’m thinking something and I want to share

At this moment, I don’t know whether I’m thinking right or wrong. But this has been going on a couple of weeks now.

I’ve no idea whether this is a right place to share or not.

I don’t know where to start. But let’s begin.

You know, I loved someone during my college days. Of course I knew her cuz we both studied in same school but not in same college. But we knew each other from long back. During college days the relationship started. It was all good. We got to know each other more. But in the beginning of 4th year (placement year) everything ended and ended abruptly. I had so much plans for her. I wanted to grow with her. Now I’ll not go into details that what happened, cuz I would like to maintain a privacy.

That 4th year (placement year) I can’t forget how it went through. Although I got placed into a good company while fighting my mental battle.

Fast forward to now. Whenever I look back, I get angry. Angry because I was not able to save my relationship. There are few things I’ve been noticing for a while. Seems like God has taken a ride on me.

• Whenever I see a couple or a newly wed couple I just get angry, not because I hate them. Angry because I failed miserably in saving my relationship. I get angry, so much so that I threw my phone to the wall. Glad it was old OnePlus 6t not the new one iPhone 15. (This incident happened recently in a family function).
• I don’t get angry much but this time I don’t know why. And to prevent this, I just keep myself busy in doing work, work, work.
• I’ve lost the trust in so called love.

Now, Few things I’ve realised now.

• Love is the worst thing happened to me and it will be the worst thing happened to me if it will happen again which most likely won’t.
• As I mentioned above, I’ve lost the trust in love. Because, If I love someone, “I don’t know whether I’m the only one for her or one of them for her”.
• If you give me a choice between a criminal and a girl. I will go ahead and choose a criminal cuz I know he will kill me. But bro girl, don’t wanna say anything 🙏
• I’ll be 26 in January, and I think I’ve missed the train of love and relationship. Because, even if I start again at this age It takes time to build and it’s a pure gamble. If It won’t work out, then it will be a disaster for me, I can’t handle this again. So, no hope.
• Additionally, there are other reasons also to not get into any relationship, such as faltu ka entitlement, gender bias law, false rape cases etc etc. And, that is why I’m done. I can’t trust any girl now.
• Folks are very lucky, who found their love at a very young age and continued it and grew together. So much love for them. God’s chosen people.
• Please don’t say that start loving yourself. Self love is a cope (Will write on this later in detail). I’ve started living with my wounds now. It has become a part of me. But it hurts everyday.

Now, here I want help from you guys in terms of perspective. Am I doing the right thing or making a huge mistake which I might regret later in life?

Thanks Happy Diwali 🪔 PS: Pardon my grammar.