Looking for partner
I m a married female with a toddler. Getting divorced soon as i caught my spouse cheating. I m hardworking, sane, respectful, a good friend. Any man over 33yrs here who is willing to be a partner and a father? Just to share life and have companionship. No regular marriage stuff or intimacy. You are free to pursue such interests outside. But need to be honest with your time and effort for the partnership.
You are leaving a cheater and replacing him with someone whom you are asking to cheat outside.
Relax and think , don't take impulsive decision. Life is long , later once you start having affection with new partner then the fight will again start that why are you pursuing intimacy outside and you will have to go with the same pain again
You got it wrong. If it is decided beforehand, it is not cheating. Also, I will not be emotionally invested. It is just companionship. Marriage is more of friendship and respect than emotions.
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If you welcome someone else just after your divorce, it will likely only be a rebound. You are literally coming out of marriage, have a kid to take care of, so please take some time to think things through, what do you want in life, how you want things to be, and your way forward should not just be about having a companion. You want a father figure for your kid, so you need to understand what your kid's needs are, and then find those too in the other person.
Also, what @SpotlessReservation said is also right, when you want someone to be a father to your kid, and a partner to you, there is a strong chance that feelings would get developed between you both. I will request you to think about it. You don't want to tell the person to have a partner outside for their emotional and physical needs, only for you to backtrack on your own words in future. Explore a possibility of having a fulfilling relationship with them. What happened with your current partner shouldn't drive your outlook towards your life.
Thank you very much for this detailed post. I will think about this.
If I do not find a partner, how do I get a father figure for my child? Any idea? He is a toddler and has no specifics as yet. However, as he grows, he will start looking up to the main male character in his life, to learn from and imbibe qualities of.
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That's very tricky to answer. But from my life experience and observation, one thing I can say is that requirements of kids are very simple, they only need love, affection, time spent together and guidance in their life. Even single mothers provide absolutely wonderful life to their kids.
In case you are unable to find a partner, then the role of a father figure can be fulfilled by your father (child's grandparent).
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Pause and reflect on what you are seeking. If you donāt seek intimacy or normal marriage stuff from the father itās impossible for your child to grow in a healthy home environment. Your boy will grow up having wrong notations about
marriage or a relationship. You are not doing any favour to him by doing this. Anyhow this is just my opinion.
šÆ
The choices you make are going to greatly affect your child's mental health, behaviour, and personality. You definitely need to think about both the present and the future, for your child, as your choices can have negative or positive effect, and you will only begin to witness the consequences when your child enters into his teenage.
Thank you very much for your insight! Yes, surely, I m redoing my thinking now!
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UsedSunset
Student
a month ago
Give him a chance , everyone do mistakes. Donāt end relationship
Cheating is not a mistake. And you can't tell someone to give their cheating partners another chance. Not being with a partner who is not loyal to her, is a boundary that this woman chose to keep, and is sticking with it. Please respect her choices.
If your husband reads it.... Trust me he is not gonna regret cheating....
Oh, he is such a yuck person that he himself tells me to have affairs just like him. I m here not looking for a sexual partner, but a father figure for my child.
Hey I'm much younger to you and being a male i felt hurt and sad, cannot imagine what you've been going through. More power to you, believe me god is always there just keep your trust in him. Hope you find someone kind and loyal soon.
Just wanted to know if you're comfortable sharing, was your marriage arrange or love and were there some conflicts between you and your husband or he is not having a good character altogether. Ignore this part of this sounds too personal, just wanted to know why people do cheating even after having a child, I literally got goosebumps, what is the mistake of that little angel, he is so naive rn and all this suffering.
Thank you for your kind words.
It was a love marriage. We were best friends at first. Or that's what I thought. We didn't have much conflict until after marriage. We knew each other for 5 years before marriage. But within a week of marriage, his attitude towards me changed.
Later, I discovered that he has been cheating on me even before marriage. He was a very good liar and I was too innocent at that time to trust his words completely and not check his mobile or movements. He has already had 6 extra marital relationships in the last 5 years. And all that he always needs from me is money.
A person who is not moved by the sincerety or feelings of their spouse will not be moved by presence of child, I think. They are insensitive to any human emotion and can only think about themselves. It is called as Narcissistic personality.
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Just a thought-
Firstly, If you're only looking for a life long father figure for your kid, if the guy is "free to pursue such interests outside", wouldn't that be an issue with the fatherly figure image of the guy for your kid?
Secondly, if you're looking for a life long partner, "No regular marriage stuff or intimacy" might tend to weaken the bond between your partner.
It's just my opinion. I might be wrong. Just a few thoughts that popped up on reading your post and comments.
Anyways. Hope you find the person you're looking for. And i hope that he is able to prove himself to be a good partner to you and an even better father to your kid. Cheers.
This is a great insight, thank you for posting! I ll surely now think more on these lines.
VigilantToad
Student
a month ago
Life is not fair
All the best
Hope you find what you are looking for.
You are brave.šš
Hey, hope you are doing well. First, it's really not easy to go through such kind of experience,and more power to you to come out and express your thoughts. It takes really great amount to pen down things like this.
Second, don't take any rash decisions over looking for someone who would be a fatherly figure to your child. You wouldn't want to get involved with someone where you come off as vulnerable and again something bad happens.
Third, it's just a suggestion, depends on you if you go through this route or not. Try to meditate some time or get into some form of spirituality, like bring that element as a daily routine into.your life. If you are already doing it, great. Try to go over your thoughts time to time, whatever you have, and eventually you will get the answer. Or just put your thoughts whatever you are thinking in front of the god, whom you are devoted towards time to time, and that will give you some clarity.
Just give yourself some time and wishing the best for you and your child's future. God bless you both !!
Yes you are right. I don't ever want to be in a vulnerable position. And it can't happen also. That's why I do not want any more "personal" or intimate relationship.
I haven't started meditation yet. I will try. Thank you very much for taking the time to post this!
Thank you everyone for your great insights and support.
It has not been easy at all for me. The details are even more gory. For all of you who are reading this, please be careful in marriage. You might fall in love or not. Use your brain and follow up with red flags. Don't term it as "maybe he/she is being silly, maybe he/she is joking, maybe he/she is being childish, maybe he/she is tired" etc. Respect for each other trumps love.
After divorce, leaving alone with your kid and no one else. Is it not a good idea ? May be you can give a thought.
Also anyhow you will have your parents and other relatives to stay in touch, when required.
Why to find a daily companion, when you already had some bad past.
Umadbro
Stealth
a month ago
Say you need an emotional fluffer out loud. Donāt sugar coat it. Itās going to be a heavily unbalanced relationship where your emotional needs are met (clearly a priority for you), and his needs arenāt and he needs to get those from somewhere else.
You basically would put that man in a position that they get accused of cheating cos whoever else they partner with will likely not be fine with your relationship. Only person who gets anything out of it is you. Incredibly selfish, and sociopathic
You got it wrong. I don't need an emotional relationship from the person. Out loud. Only a father figure for my child.
Companionship and sharing life is asking to be a friend. And definitely, friendship is not selfishness or sociopathic.
Umadbro
Stealth
a month ago
Women friendships are emotional. There is a 1:1 where you share whatās on your mind, problems you face, and how you feel on a regular basis. Male friendships are very different from that. Not built on emotional connect but more on group dynamics.
The second part Is still true. Itās gonna end badly for the guy than for you. You either havenāt thought about it ergo selfish, or you did and are fine, ergo sociopathic
DaringTrain
Stealth
a month ago
Why can't your father be the father figure to your child? A lot of kids look upto their grandparents as role models.
Yes, currently, that's how it is. My child loves being with my dad and will not even come to me š But my father is in his early 60s. In another 5-10 years, my father won't have much energy or ability to connect to my child like how a 35/40 year old can.
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