I feel guilty as my fiancé’s pay is 3x mine
My fiancé’s pay is 3x mine. And I feel guilty for not being able to scale up to a respectable pay or career advancement. This is my capacity - I am slow paced and a late bloomer in everything in my life. I feel like I don’t deserve a fiancé with 3x pay as mine and could find someone better than me as I was questioned by my fiancé about my career trajectory. I keep wondering in what way I can contribute my share once we settle. How will I do 50/50 because it doesn’t seem possible to do that. I will have to cut back on all my wants before things turn sour between us due to this financial imbalance. I don’t want money to get in the way of our relationship. I don’t know if anyone feels this guilty for not being able to contribute financially towards their married life. Or am I overthinking all this in my mind. It takes a hit at my self esteem when I see my friends/family around being able to achieve this financial equilibrium with their spouses. It makes me feel inadequate and not as empowered.
BiryaniEnthu
Stealth
5 months ago
Reading this from both gender perspective has wholesome views tbh
Tshirt
Student
5 months ago
So we're nowhere close to gender equality!! And that's a sad reality.
That's never going to happen also. World was created or designed for that.
It's just the stupidest notion created by the stupidest people who identify themselves as feminists, to kill time because they are jobless or just selfish and change sides depending where they will be benefitted or win the argument
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When I got married, my partner’s pay was 2X mine. Cut to 8 years later, my pay is now 2.5X more than my partner. I am lucky to have a partner who never questioned me while my pay was lower than hers. So our relationship has been the same then and now.
Your pay cannot be the basis on which you decide if you have to be partners or not. If that is causing a rift between the both of you, you should perhaps have a honest conversation with your partner.
It’s great to hear how you smoothly navigated through this.
It didn’t seem like that when we started off with our courtship but after we got to know each other’s pay, I feel my fiancé is worried about having the pull the weight of our finances all alone. For which I have already conveyed my assurance that that will not be the case. But the guilt I feel is something I need to have a conversation with my fiancé.
It is not seeming as complicated after reading all the thoughts shared by everyone here.
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VagueElbow
Stealth
5 months ago
Hey bhagwan pls give me a fiance who is making 3x of me. I will stop working, take care of home and kids, write novels and scripts and do creative work.
VagueElbow
Stealth
5 months ago
70 lpa post tax
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Your fiancé’s knows about your financial situation and current career trajectory as you get into your marriage.
What's the point for them and you to get into an unhappy marriage over this from the get go?
If they value other aspects you bring to the marriage and enjoy a good chemistry should be expected that they only be encouraging and comfortable with the idea of you possibly earning less.
Otherwise if that is what your fiancé’s really wants - someone who earns just as much he/she should acknowledge that need and find someone else than marrying you with that sword hanging over your heads for the rest of your marriage.
I did think through all the above mentioned points as well. My fiancé has not explicitly said anything about wanting a spouse earning more than I currently do. But I have picked up on hits here and there which is making me feel all these. I should probably discuss my insecurity. There are lot of aspects and nitty-gritty of each other that we are still not fully aware of. That could take an entire life time to know.
@WallFly that would be a red flag for me personally, and I'd suggest you have an honest conversation now when it's still early days, else it's only going to get tougher with time.
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F here married for 5 years.
It was a love marriage so of course money was not a deciding factor for both of us.
Marriage is never 50-50 someday it will be 70-30 60-40 so on and so forth. Just both partners should understand this and do their bit.
My husband got laid off in COVID-19 times so I managed everything and I’m dam sure if something similar happened to me in future he’ll handle everything.
I would suggest you not overthink this, as you mention you’re trying for better opportunities and everything, to do this race with yourself not her.
If you constantly worried about it and gave her that vibe she will also feel guilty and you both might end up in a heated argument.
Best luck take a break.
I am not sure if you’ve communicated this with you (would be) partner or not. I feel you should have those discussions before taking public opinion.
A relationship generally involve various kinds of contributions - from finances to managing day to day things. It’s not essential to have 50/50 always, some places it can be 70:30, other it can be 35:65 or watever that number can be. Equality is a theoretical concept and always comes with T&Cs.
I had to ask someone for their opinion as I have never been in a position like this. A public opinion is helpful as there could be others who could have been in a similar situation and I could use insights from the public’s experience on how not to feel guilty. Having a filter free discussion with strangers is liberating and therapeutic.
I agree there is never has been and there isn’t going to be a 50/50 in relationships but different people have different expectations from their spouses, the t&cs, as is their prerogative. No one should have to take up the responsibility of another adult if they can’t handle it. It’s a valid concern to be addressed.
If you are a woman: Men don’t care how much you earn, he asked about your career just for the sake of the conversation. Chill, all he wants from you is peace of mind not insecurity
Frostygig5
Stealth
5 months ago
Someone told me a few years back how much your partner earns today does not matter. What matters is whether they are hardworking or not .If they are then they can earn 5x of what they are earning today . Hope this helps stop guilttrip.
That doesn’t work in india. Here a good software engineer can earn 10x of other hardworking people. And once u get into a career its almost impossible to switch. Good line for US.
Frostygig5
Stealth
5 months ago
I was talking about software only
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AcidicMop
Stealth
5 months ago
I'll get heavily downvoted for saying this, but it won't workout if you don't talk about you insecurities to her. And you don't need to listen to her reply just pour down everything on her. If you still feel guilty don't go forward.
She'll try to convince you because you both are in "love" right now and none of you can make straight decisions.
WanSaviour
Stealth
5 months ago
What if this is reversed in gender perspective?
Would the same scenario happen?
I have not mentioned my gender here as I didn’t want this to turn into a battle of the sexes. Just wanted to hear from both the genders on this matter and how to handle the guilt. People have provided great insights.
WanSaviour
Stealth
5 months ago
I understand your feelings. Do work on your things and try to improve on your part. But feeling guilty won't boost you to improve i believe.
Everyone should get fianse like u. Not 50%. May be he also don’t want 50%. But if ur keep doing good he will be proud
I am very proud of my fiancé and very much in love and can’t wait to start our life together.
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It takes a strong man to be besides such an empowered woman.
You might be having low esteem due to the societal norm that has been ongoing since decades for the man to provide.
Would you have let your partner cut down on spending just because she earned less ? Yes it's not normal , but with generational chnages these are chnaging and women are empowering themselves, soeaking up for themselves and taking their independence in their hands as much as possible and even more in some cases, like yours.
You aren't overthinking, it's normal to think so, now you have these so called problems which is making you anxious, and if you know you are slow paced then accept it fully and wholeheartedly.
It's good that you believe it's best for you to keep a boundary on your personal expenses, but know this that with such a gap also comes a gap of standard of living and spending, don't let your anxiety hold you back when together, it may hage adverse effects on your relationship, which you don't want to have, thus the post.
When you partner with someone, you both become one entity and common expenses goes from your common bucket of expenses. It's important to set aside some funds, by both partners, for themselves. Though you can let the other person know about the balances but it's best to keep it at bay, unless you both decide and see that it doesn't affect anything between you both.
Know that what you decide today might require enhancements and changes as you go along the way knowing what's working and what's affecting.
Just keep mind to overpower your thoughts that the financial gap could create a gap b/w the two of you while also working to get to the equilibrium not for the sake of being anxious about the fact that it may turn sour if not done, rather do it because you wish to hage a healthy competition. See to keep a positive outlook especially when you become aware of the negative outlook.
She'll marry even if you give her a wooden ring with a cheap gem.
My to-be husband's pay is much more than 3x.
That never got in the way of our dating, because I still paid for things wherever I could. Later, we also had discussion if it's a matter for him. His answer was, he just wanted me to contribute, and after expenses, if we have more savings, we'll do more stuff or otherwise just settle for lesser. Ik, he's too sweet.
This was a huge motivation factor for me to upgrade my job. I kept at it, studied. Cleared interviews. My new offer letter should come positively before this weekend. Is there still more than 3x gap? Lol, yes. But it's just the starting. I'm still working on to be better for him.
My point being: instead of thinking of the gap, try working on yourself/your career. Get a better paying job. And yes, have an honest conversation with your partner. How do they feel about the gap, how do you plan to share expenses after marriage.
I'm in the same boat.
What I realized is marriage is above all that financial outlooks. It's not possible to be always at similar payscale.
Just be respectful to each other and manage your finances together rather than thinking about pay gap.
It's the new age and a partnership now rather than Men earning the bread and women staying at home.
I'm proud of her earning way more than me and take comfort that we make decisions together and handle housework load together.
All the best!
Changez
Stealth
5 months ago
I had the same situation. Trust me the need to fill the gap creates automatic opportunities.
2yr down the road, I still earn 20% less but far better than 300%.
If she is supportive, then why guilt. If she is not, have an honest conversation about your future plans.
Bhai koi bhagwan nahi hota, samay ke garbh me kya chipa hai ye keval samay hi janta hai.
You have to build confidence in her eyes ki you will do good, and you're not thirsty
My 2 cents. My partner and I have different salary scales and so we contribute to the common expenses in the same proportion as our salaries. This works for us because it gives each of one the comfort of the spends that we want on ourselves and also helps each of us save for the future which can be used for common big purchases , vacations or even splurging on ourselves individually. It's given us financial freedom at an individual level. Of course, this conversation needs to be had before hand
OneElectron
Student
5 months ago
If the girl's pay is more then she has to manage her hypergamy, and the boy his insecurities.
If the boys pay is more he should take pride in being the provider and not put pressure on the girl, the girl has other areas she can contribute to.
These feelings are natural. But instead of feeling down, use it as a motivation to grow.
For one of the genders, it's more important to be atleast equal.
I hear you but up until now I was content with what I was earning as I could manage my single lifestyle along with invest half of it on the side. It was only after we started talking about our finances I felt like this.
Well, anything's fine when you're single. But now you gotta step up the game. My point is, don't feel down and get to work.
Practically speaking this will increase the ego clash. If your adoptable to any suituation then you will fine otherwise this will cause serious issue among the relationship. There is nothing in that world that “im unable to get that “ . To be frank focus and perseverance will carry you into the next step.
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