Being a man child at the age of 30
I turned 30 last month and I still feel i am a 20 year old. I lost the last 4 years of my life working from home and have started to go to office recently. I never worked together in a team, never been out for team lunches/dinners, never presented my work to the seniors/leadership. I have 4.5 years experience on the paper and my interaction with colleagues in person has been almost zero . I don’t know how to do my taxes, can’t do basic servicing of my bike, extremely indiscipline’s, rarely track my expenses, can’t say ‘No’, haven’t upskill we and hence stuck in TCS, can’t stick to a hobby or interest, pathetic in managing my time, have no sense of punctuality, socially awakened, overweight with a pot belly and hence have confidence issues, can’t take care of myself in terms of self grooming, couldn’t maintain friendships as I used to get offended when someone made fun of me or mocked me- my inflated ego is just useless. I can’t control my emotions, I sometimes get emotional and have tears in my eyes, I show emotions easily on my face, not smart when it comes to dealing with others, don’t know how much to talk to whom, whom to talk to, how to talk to and when to talk. I’ve been told I’m pessimistic and highly negative about myself but I’m just saying things the way it is. I have no responsibilities on life. I’ll be getting married the next year and I know I can take up the responsibility. But I still have the fear of putting my fiancé down. I love her a lot and I never even would do anything to put her down. My bad time management skills, inability to focus, getting distracted badly, being a slow learner, not networking, not having idea on making switches regularly, being too lazy and impatient to learn new things, not being updated in terms of on demand skills, tools , technologies, reluctance to learn something new and hence staying in comfort zone has screwed up my career. I feel stuck and lost in life. I honestly don’t know what to do.
BiryaniEnthu
Stealth
5 months ago
People who are self aware, know there is a problem to begin with, and that's half the battle won!
By next year you will be a better person, keep working on the things you identified
That's false. I have been self aware since I was 12 and that hasn't changed anything
BiryaniEnthu
Stealth
5 months ago
You missed the main point. The other half of the battle is waiting to be won 🥲
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Wow, you still feel 20, that's great man!
On that note, you still have 10 years or more to feel 30, so take this time to develop
I also agree that mindset of yours would be different from others but you'll pass through.
Secret: few of us are in late 20's but feel 40ish and wanted to go back to teenage 🥲
President_Trump
Stealth
5 months ago
@GamerZozo what stopping you ?
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You are all over my friend, take a deep breath and work on one thing at a time with tight discipline, first work on what bothers you most.
Don't mix up two issues in one, seek professional help wherever you think you need
@boredcoder I’m done with meeting therapists man. They tell me to have gratitude. Eve thing I think I have causes me pain and regret.
I want to learn to focus better and learn things quick. I want to be a quick learner. I’m 30. Have just 15-20 years max in my career. The way I am doing. I doubt my career will last for the next 10 years
You know the problem here bro, you are thinking alot but doing nothing.
First, take care of your thoughts when you are alone,
Second, take of your words and behavior when you are with others.
Anxiety or sadness is natural but holding onto them for longer time without taking any action is an issue.
Adding to this, there's a lot of clutter. Step by step declutter it. Don't try to mend everything altogether. Start with something small and easy.
Things will start falling into place once you start dealing everything one by one.
@FlakySmolt2 I'm in a limbo. I'm actually in a state of shoch that years passed away with me not working on myself. I was mentally and emotionally disturbed last year. On top of this, I had a surgery. I lost a lot of time due to my own negligence and ignorance. I am unable to forgive myself and move n. I am in a deep regret for wasting my late 20s. I know comparison is bad but folks who graduated with me are doing so well in their careers, they have switched thrice where as I am struggling and taking so much time to prepare for my first switch,
I wanted to do so much in terms of my careers and working on myself. Now, it looks I have to let go of few things in my life due to my own stupidity. I am doing what I must do to be at a better place but the pace at which I am proceeding is shameful. I've been saying since years that I will switch, work on my skills, work on my portfolio but I'm proceeding at snail's pace. it's got all to do with managing my own time, my ability to focus, take up challenging tasks and get off my comfort zone. I just get over whelmed with everything I need to do. On top of that, I need to loose around 15 kilos to look fit, I want to do it by the end of this year. I am going to gym regularly, have a trainer, trying to follow the diet but the very fact that I have 15 kilos to loose bothers me.
I feel ashamed to have all these issues even at the age of 30 when people of my age group are sorted in life, have everything put together, are thriving where as I have such a long way to go. I know I have my own journey but it definitely bothers you when you see no progress at all.
All I want is to be able to focus on my work, have clarity in terms of thoughts, be a quick learner and be prepared for interviews. I haven't updated myself with the current tools and technologies, my attention span is bad even though I have blocked all social media sites and apps. All I want is to focus on my work and learn things quickly. That's it!
Bro "Jo beet gayi so baat gayi" usse chodo or ab aage kya karna hai uspe focus Karo. We all keep getting distracted but still we have focus on things which matters like projects deadlines ya koi important event kuch bhi. It all about priorities. I also feel guilty when I don't learn or do anything productive in a day but wo din beet gya uska kuch nhi kar sakte so ab Jo next day usko prioritise karke uspe focus karna hai.
One thing at a time.
You can try taking challenge for 7 days and try to keep your focus on track for just 7 days and baaki kaam secondry kardo just focus ko sudharne pe dhyaan do fir 7 din baad already ek chiz thik ho chuka hoga but you have to keep that doing so that it should be deeply rooted in your subconscious mind.
Aise chote chote steps lekar you will gain confidence in everything in life and will be able to upskill. Don't think k ek hi baar mein sab badal Dena hai just one thing at a time one small step at a time. That's it. Fir 7 din baad batao how u feeling. Good luck
@Toni_satark This is what I feel man. I’m unable to forgive myself for not upskilling since 3 years .
I’ve lost so much time. I know I can’t charge the past. Neither I’m able to forgive myself and get over it. All I want is to work in a company with good pay and decent WLB. Due to my inability to focus, I end up spending so much time in front of my computer doing eveyrhing except working and upskilling. Weekends are also the same. I’m extremely blessed to have such a nice, caring and understanding family. I have so much time and resources for myself but I’m unable to make the most out of it. I’m just wasting my precious time. 16 LPA at the age of 30 in a tier 1 city is ridiculous. I’m not saying I don’t have the capability or the intelligence to earn better. I am capable enough and have done a few notable things in the past. Not being able to make the best out of my skills, my time, the resources to improve my pay, my skills, work in a company with good work culture, being able to interact with smart and talented individuals and learning from them, being a smart , hard working, intelligent and capable person myself is afar I want to be. Not being able to do so bad having wasted my precious 20s by being lazy, lethargic, ignorant and dumb has screwed up my mental and physical well-being.
I’m neither able to forgive myself, nor I’m able to get out of this. I’m just unable to forgive myself as I’m stuck in the past. I don’t know how to get out of this.
Bro from your reply it seems your brain don't want to get out of past and move further. You know your capabilities and you also know you can do it but still your brain is forcing you to stay in the loop. For breaking the loop you have to take action a small action at each step. If you allow your mind to take over you than you will always remain in the loop. So try breaking the loop by doing small things that's it or kuch nhi karna.
One more thing you don't have to let go of the past you have to accept it than only you can go ahead. Rest is upto you how you want to go ahead in life "grow or shrink"
To be honest, it seems you are pretty clear on your issues. You have already identified them to an extent, you just have to push for fixing them one at a time.
It will take time. If you have someone in your life you can share things easily like a valued friend or person, discussing and taking their suggestions might help.
Some of the things you have mentioned like filing taxes, servicing bike can be learnt by simply doing it once. Others may take a few more iterations.
So avoid jumping into solving everything at once and try to pick one small task at a time.
Not presented ever? Just create a random tech presentation on some of the work you do and try to ask for feedback (Do not keep unnecessarily high expectations at first).
Haven't upskilled? Try solving some easy problems and eventually move to difficult ones.
The idea is to create a habit pattern first before diving into difficult tasks so that your brain is not trying to steer you away if you are out of your comfort zone.
Understand that some things you need to defer for later and focus on just a few things to complete.
I am also 30+ and I still dont know how to drive a 4 wheeler, doesnt mean its the end of the world, and I am trying to find some time to do it this year.
People have transitioned into tech in their 40s. Some will still do it in the future. Doesn't mean they have lost in life.
Just means they want to see themselves at a better position no matter their age and so do you.
Bro , most of us feel the same way what you are feeling about not upgrading skills in time or being lazy or being wasting time and all....first thing you are not alone having these type of issues....it is just that people won’t admit it.
Talking about 16LPA at 30....that is really good, you would find people reaching at this package in 10 years of experience in TCS. TCS provide so less when you start with TCS, that it takes lot if time to cross 15LPA. In TCS, ppl who are in tier 2 cities still struggling to cross 15LPA even in their forties. you will not believe this but check with any tier-2 or tier-3 city guy.
One thing for sure you can do is - take proper professional help and not any counsellor. Go for psychologist who has proper degree and have studied in these fields. Check their years of experience. In first session itself ask him/her, what will be the path or course of action they are going to follow to help you. It should not be just all gyaan but no action plan and exercises for you to do.
What we all need to understand is - Do we really need to be part of this RAT race ?
So....2nd thing you need to do- you need to think about what you from your life. What moments you want to cherish once you turn 60.
do you really want to do all those things which whole world (including ur peer, relatives, all those successful gyani guru) is running after. OR....you want to have peace and happiness in your life.
In either of choice - you have path to choose and then utilize your resources accordingly. So if you want peace and happiness with your family, focus on getting stable and less demanding jobs so that you can spend time with family. If you want money , growth etc...then focus on spending money on getting good training. If you think, sabbatical will help u, take it, do some course and come back with bang.
Remember - Life is trade off. You can’t get everything. Choose what you want out of your life ..one day it is going to end, and nothing will come with u
where can one find professional help who have experience in handling these kind of depression not just giving gyaan?I have been planning to seek help for myself similar on the OP description but don't know where I can seek such help?
Kamlesh
Stealth
5 months ago
If you can't make an equally long list of good things about yourself, positive work you've done in life or the people that you've helped, then you might have a serious problem.
Either ways, it's good to introspect and know where you lack. That's step 1 , step 2 is working on issues one by one.
Be 1% better every day. Slowly it will start to add up. It’s impossible to think so much and get something done. Just do it and slowly you’ll see things changing
Bittergourd
Stealth
5 months ago
Great fact is that you know where you are lacking and you can work upon it, with due time you gonna learn and upskill yourself with all above mentioned things just be positive about yourself and appreciate your each steps...you gonna make it definitely 💯🔥
Damn brother, you either need to go on a solo trip or meet a professional on better suggestions.
I would suggest going for a mountain trek (Winter treks maybe). I myself found meaning to my life in one such trip, maybe it will do the same for you too.
@YaboiMarley I don’t know brother.
Went in a solo trip few months ago and it screwed up my life.
I feel guilty of spending time enjoying or relaxing.
I haven’t unskilled at all and I’m in a bad place in my career. I have so much to learn and so much to do. I feel so guilty and lost for wasting years of my life.
Apna business khol leta to lakho kamai kar leta with the same continuous efforts in those years
How about starting addressing one at a time? In a few years time you'll have what you have wanted.
What do you think can be improved easily? Target that and complete it. The feeling of accomplishment is enough to motivate you to achieve further. The taste of self improvement is addictive. Once you have it, you will never look back.
Pick one thing, nail it and then pick another - this is the way ahead my friend.
If you don't know how to do your taxes - learn it. This is not rocket science. In 2 hrs you can master it and file your taxes. In a similar way everything has a soln. Find it and implement it.
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