[Night Thoughts before Sleep] I really wished I had a partner

One of the toughest day of my life started on 03rd September, 2024. I just did not want to leave my bed at all. The world that I imagined has just crumbled. The future that I envisioned no longer cease to exist. Sense of failure in all aspects of my life has hit me. A failure in professional life, a failure as a son, a failure as a brother, a failure as a friend, a failure as a partner. A complete failure in a nutshell. This is the lowest point in my life where I want to run away, from everything. Not care about anything, not face anyone, and just run away.

I am sorry that you did experience it. It sucks. But I have no clue on how to work on it. I have this emptiness inside me. Has beet there for a few years now. However I blamed it on my lack of social circle. Recently though, things changed. I am having a pretty decent social circle. However at the end of the day, I still have the yearning to belong. So wanna know if you’re dealing/dealt with it? Any tips ? I’m here if you just wanna talk it out too.

This causes a serious meltdown in an instant. Just sharing here so that if anyone reads this.. reach out to your folks and love them with all. 🙂

Is it okay to be alone rather than being with guys I don't like. College friends are the worst I have ever had.

Looking back at our college days, I remember how close we were. We used to think our friendship would last forever not only friends but cousins too, but things have changed. No one keeps in touch anymore. The friends I used to fart with are now distant, and when we do talk, it's only after months. It's frustrating. We're doing well financially, but our relationships are suffering. Whether it's because of work pressure or being tied to the office, we can't visit our hometowns as often as we'd like. On weekends, I find myself drinking alone, scrolling through old photos and videos of friends and family with some songs playing, and crying. Life goes on...! Monday comes restart....! I just wanted to share the feelings so i did :)

In 2018, I was doing my BBA from Delhi University, when the cultural fest of our college invited ‘The Local Train’ band for a live show. Of course, they performed Choo lo, Aoge Tum Kabhi, Dil Mere, Bandey, which had all my heart (in 2018 and today). But I chose not to attend the fest. As a 20-yr old, I never reflected why I would have done that...But as a 26-yr-old, I did it today. For a long time, Aalas ka pedh had remained my favorite archive of emotions, feelings of coming of age & loneliness when I had not yet stepped out of the borders of my ‘home’, semblance of how a breakup feels like when I didn’t know what a relationship stands for (let alone being in one), longing for love when I couldn't distinguish it from the romantic movies of SRK. And yet, I chose not to attend the fest. It was a conscious choice. It didn't bother me. “I was not into live music or experiences”. Why? I was not sure about my reasoning then, but now I think it was because I didn't value the very feelings I got from listening to those songs - emotions, coming of age, loneliness, breakup, relationship or love, all of the feelings I got from listening to those songs. My mind was flooded with the thoughts of achieving “objective” metrics - marks, ranks, admission in xyz college, because they were right there, easy to understand and calculate; the input was the attention and hours I put and output were grades. To my mind, that seemed “easier to achieve” than going through the process of defining and valuing those emotions. 4 years after this event, I would have just started my 2nd job, when I heard that the Local Train had unofficially disbanded when the lead singer, Raman Negi, left the band for a solo career. I didn’t feel it that much - because the “objective” bug hadn’t left me, and the value I placed to those emotions - coming of age, loneliness, breakup, relationship or love - still couldn’t be “calculated”. 2 years later, today, I realized 2 things. 1. I will never be able to hear The Local Train “live”. I lost the multiple chances I had. It hits me every time I hear the album again. To “objectify” it, I exhausted my attempts (like in UPSC) and clearly failed. 2. In the past, I have mis-forced “trade-offs”. The decision to not attend had no positive implication on my “success”, but negative implication on who I am today. Those moments and experiences are the attempts to make memories that will form a major part of the brain, when you grow old, shape who you are. While you are doing trade-offs, you value the non-objective things by the number of attempts you have to make. It isn’t that difficult to count the attempts, just uncomfortable. If I had that effort of valuing those experiences and emotions “objectively” better and not forced the trade-offs, I could have been a different person today. 1. Attended those live concerts with my friends 2. Got the chance of dating my crush in MBA 3. Worked with a co-founder closely who I looked up to as a operator 4. Would have watched one of my favorite stand-up comics perform live 5. Many more… Hence, my request to young folks in their 20s to incorporate this method of valuing non-objective things and avoiding forced trade-offs.

Hi In final year right now of my BE My entire college life I am feeling left out No friends, If I need something I ask my classmates It feels odd It feels week Why as a MAN I am feeling such emotions Even accepting the fact myself that path further ahead will be like this only But still in mind, somewhere I believe if I had someone to talk to Someone to share everything I have It would have been better Yet again weak thoughts How as MALE adults you overcome Or you don't give a f*ck about it More like "hey, I don't even have time to feel shit" Pls throw some light on these thoughts I am open to every discussion

I’m a very private person and I was a bit confused whether I should write here or not, but anyway. So, day before yesterday I was sitting on my chair after dinner and was thinking about my life and what the hell am I doing. I realised that, Saala bachpan se aaj tak race me hi bhaag raha hun. Pehle school me 1st, 2nd, 3rd aane ki race me. Then acche college milne ki race me. Then uske baad acchi job milne ki race me. Then uske baad agar ladki chahiye toh uske liye bhi ek race hai (Don’t have a gf, plz don’t take me wrong, it was a realisation) My current daily routine is like this: Wakeup everyday, write code, go gym, dinner, and then sleep and repeat this cycle everyday. School ke dost peeche chhoot gaye, college ke dost apni life me busy ho gaye, colleagues se main zyada baat nhi karta and main akela padh gaya. Feels like life is not intriguing anymore, it has no spark left. Its so painful to live everyday. I feel like I don’t want to live any more, I want to die but I can’t cuz of 2 reasons. 1. I’m the only son of my parents. 2. If I die like this, then I won’t be able to come out from the birth cycle. That’s it 🙏🏼