I am 33M, started working at 20. Earned 87LPA when I was dropped off in June 23. I am a very responsible person who had taken care of everything in the family for quite some time. My parents and relatives and everyone else who know me well, know this and kost have appreciated this at some point. My sister separated from her husband 6 months after my marriage and had been living with me and my wife since then till COVID hit. My mother has anger issues and my father is very obedient to her. I love my parents and they loved me I think. Post COVID I moved to my hometown (because family) and things started going downhill. My mother will almost entire day find every faults in my wife and share it with everyone with an angry tone. I just listened to her initially for 2 years but at times I told her that it's enough. Now she has started fighting me. After the fight I would go and apologize to her knowing that it's not my fault just to make things right. This time when my mother fought with me she taunted me that you will come back and apologize. This hurted me even more than the fight. Now I am not going back to apologize and she's escalating it every day. Convinced my father and my eldest sister(happily married) that I am a bad son. Shares messages like "maa bap ko pareshan krne vale bachho ko kya fal milta hai" in WhatsApp groups. She has even asked me to vacate home. I am unemployed at the moment and I told her I will when I have a job. I don't know how to deal with it. I can't convince people in the family that she has anger issues.
The way you wrote this post tells a lot about you. I am sure you are a very calm and sensible person in life. Nothing but respect for you.
Don’t worry people like you will always find a way to figure out life. I don’t think I am big enough to give you any advice here, just wanted to say to be strong in these tough times. This too shall pass. :)
If you have some savings, move out and live in any tier 2, tier 3 city till you find a job. You can find a 1bhk in like 5-10k in a tier 2 city. It will be difficult for you to focus on finding a job if you stay in a toxic environment.
I am not telling you to just abandon your parents. Settle things with them once you are financially stable and in a good mindspace.
Hope this helps.
It's a very tough spot to be in.
Your mother needs counselling, by the looks of it its going to be difficult to get her to do it voluntarily.
I am not sure what your home town is, but a nearby town where people don't know you may be more agreeable to her (unfortunately there is still a stigma attached to being counselled and anonymity has its perks).
Till then don't react or confront, just keep playing it day by day. It's difficult on you and everyone else, but till she seeks professional help the only way is to grin and bear it.
She wouldn't agree to the fact that she has anger issues
Mask it. Take her under the pretext of solving for your relationship with her. Diagnosis is key.
Since you want to move out and can also afford it, move out of that house asap - while you try to maintain your relationship with your parent, you might end up destroying your relationship with your wife and she may leave you if you don’t leave that house. Since you also care for your father and also for your mother, live nearby their house so that you can go to them at a moment’s notice but also far enough that it doesn’t feel like one house and you don’t see each other everyday. Take care of their needs financially or physically if anything but don’t engage mentally if they don’t respect you back. Do let your sisters know why you are doing this and that this doesn’t change your relationship with them.
Once things have calmed down, make some routine where you go to your parents for dinner or they come to your house for dinner at feasible frequency.
Take a holistic view:
You should not solve/rectify a toxic person, that's not your job, outside your expertise and bandwidth. The best way is to move away from them. The earlier you do that, the earlier will your world become meaningful. Else it might never. You might have to live the next decades of your life in distress.
Do your thing. Best of luck
What did I just read!?
You owe your wife, her dignity, her self respect and her peace of mind. If not, you are responsible for her life.
Bro 🫡🫡
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